Thursday, 30 October 2014

List of toys owned by Gawker is actually a collage of letters to Santa Claus

A list of toys reportedly owned by the media blog Gawker, and prominently displayed on the company's website, is actually a collage of letters to Father Christmas.

Among the toys Gawker claims to own are a rare blue Snaggletooth from the original line of Star Wars action figures, “A buttload of Stormtroopers, like maybe a thousand”, and a Snake Mountain play set from the He-man and the Masters of the Universe toy range “signed by Skeletor and Evil-Lyn”.

The list also contains a number of outlandish and transparently fictional items such as a PlayStation 5 beta version, a life-size AT-AT Walker with a BMX in the back “that I keep at my uncle Gary's house in Idaho”, and a rare copy of GTA 4.5.

Gawker describes the final item on this list as a game “so violent that no-one is allowed to write about it or even admit that it exists. Plus if you play it for more than two hours you die in real life. One time I played it for 119 minutes and 59 seconds then I dived away at the last moment. Rockstar sent me £5million as I am the only person ever to complete the game. I gave all the money away to charity which is why I had to borrow $25 from you earlier to buy nachos.”

Apropos of nothing, at the bottom of the list in childish scrawl is a further claim by Gawker that their is older brother is Sam Fisher – the fictional covert operative from the Splinter Cell series of games.

In an exclusive interview given to MODE 5, Gawker's parent company, Mother Gawker, said:

Gawker actually owns very few toys. There was period a few months ago when Gawker did have temporary possession of a Disney Frozen Anna Sparkle doll which it borrowed from its cousin, Michael. The doll has since been returned to its owner. I am happy to confirm that Gawker's older brother is called Tyler. He works for a coffee shop where he is training to be a Barista. He has never been employed by the CIA or engaged in black-ops.”

Asked about the list of toys on the Gawker website, Mother Gawker responded:

The list was made using excerpts from letters that Gawker has been writing to Santa Claus since the age of five. These were cut out, under adult supervision, with a pair of round-tipped scissors and then glued to a sheet of red card onto which silver and gold glitter was applied. It was my understanding that this collage was for a school project. I had no idea that it was being used to create a false impression of the toys that Gawker owns. We sincerely apologise if any friend of Gawker has visited our home hoping to play with any of the toys that are mentioned on the list, only to receive some implausible and convoluted excuse as to why they can't right at this moment.”

Asked whether Gawker still believes in Santa Claus, Mother Gawker said:

Very much so. Both myself and Father Gawker believe that, by fostering a sense of magical naivety in our child, we can protect them from the grim realities that one encounters daily on the mean streets of Lower Manhattan. A beneficial side-effect is that they will probably never be considered cool enough to join a gang.”

In an angry tweet, following the widespread publication of the list, Gawker said: “U R all fasists (sic) for ratting me out to my mum and dad. Bad luck guys my brother is Sam Fisher. Sux 2 b u!”

A statement that appeared on the Gawker website a few hours later reads:

The only reason I don't own a 6-inch Leonardo Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure with light-up Berserker Rage eyes is because my cousin Mike stole it from me. I'm not even calling the police about it because everybody who has seen the new TMNT film knows that Leonardo is a craven pusillanimous idiot.”

This statement was subsequently amended to include commentary from Mother Gawker:

Gawker has never owned a 6-inch Leonardo Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure with light-up Berserker Rage eyes. Like most responsible parents I would harbour strong reservations about allowing my child to play with anything that has been identified as having pusillanimous qualities. I can confirm that Gawker has not seen the new TMNT movie.”

In a prepared statement, one of Gawker's oldest friends, Gamasutra, said:

Sometimes Gawker will say something that is so obviously bullshit. Like this one time I was telling everyone how I totally jumped over the roof of the White House on my skateboard. When I'm done with my story Gawker says that he's done exactly the same trick only backwards while avoiding a pair of heat-seeking missiles that were fired at him by a fighter jet. He timed the jump so that the missiles hit a nearby building where a sniper was about to shoot President Obama. He got a medal from the president that they have to keep locked in a safe at the Pentagon because it's classified. Gawker also said that if we meet President Obama on our school trip to the White House they will both have to pretend not to recognise each other, even though they hang out all the time and do mixed martial arts together. I was going to call him out on it, but everybody who heard both stories knows which one of us is telling the truth.”

While exiting the press conference Gamasutra fell off its skateboard, adding:

I totally did that on purpose.”


The list of toys has now been removed from the Gawker website. According to the site administrator this has been done under instruction from the CIA for reasons of national security.

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