A list of toys reportedly
owned by the media blog Gawker, and prominently displayed on the
company's website, is actually a collage of letters to Father
Christmas.
Among the toys Gawker
claims to own are a rare blue Snaggletooth from the original line of
Star Wars action figures, “A buttload of Stormtroopers, like maybe
a thousand”, and a Snake Mountain play set from the He-man and the
Masters of the Universe toy range “signed by Skeletor and
Evil-Lyn”.
The list also contains a
number of outlandish and transparently fictional items such as a
PlayStation 5 beta version, a life-size AT-AT Walker with a BMX in
the back “that I keep at my uncle Gary's house in Idaho”, and a
rare copy of GTA 4.5.
Gawker describes the final
item on this list as a game “so violent that no-one is allowed to
write about it or even admit that it exists. Plus if you play it for
more than two hours you die in real life. One time I played it for
119 minutes and 59 seconds then I dived away at the last moment.
Rockstar sent me £5million as I am the only person ever to complete
the game. I gave all the money away to charity which is why I had to
borrow $25 from you earlier to buy nachos.”
Apropos of nothing, at the
bottom of the list in childish scrawl is a further claim by Gawker
that their is older brother is Sam Fisher – the fictional covert
operative from the Splinter Cell series of games.
In an exclusive interview
given to MODE 5, Gawker's parent company, Mother Gawker, said:
“Gawker actually owns
very few toys. There was period a few months ago when Gawker did have
temporary possession of a Disney Frozen Anna Sparkle doll which it
borrowed from its cousin, Michael. The doll has since been returned
to its owner. I am happy
to confirm that Gawker's older brother is called Tyler. He works for
a coffee shop where he is training to be a Barista. He has never been
employed by the CIA or engaged in black-ops.”
Asked about the list of
toys on the Gawker website, Mother Gawker responded:
“The list was made using
excerpts from letters that Gawker has been writing to Santa Claus
since the age of five. These were cut out, under adult supervision,
with a pair of round-tipped scissors and then glued to a sheet of red
card onto which silver and gold glitter was applied. It was my
understanding that this collage was for a school project. I had no
idea that it was being used to create a false impression of the toys
that Gawker owns. We sincerely apologise if any friend of Gawker has
visited our home hoping to play with any of the toys that are
mentioned on the list, only to receive some implausible and
convoluted excuse as to why they can't right at this moment.”
Asked whether Gawker still
believes in Santa Claus, Mother Gawker said:
“Very much so. Both
myself and Father Gawker believe that, by fostering a sense of magical
naivety in our child, we can protect them from the grim realities that
one encounters daily on the mean streets of Lower Manhattan. A
beneficial side-effect is that they will probably never be considered
cool enough to join a gang.”
In an angry tweet,
following the widespread publication of the list, Gawker said: “U R
all fasists (sic) for ratting me out to my mum and dad. Bad luck guys
my brother is Sam Fisher. Sux 2 b u!”
A statement that appeared
on the Gawker website a few hours later reads:
“The only reason I don't
own a 6-inch Leonardo Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure with
light-up Berserker Rage eyes is because my cousin Mike stole it from
me. I'm not even calling the police about it because everybody who
has seen the new TMNT film knows that Leonardo is a craven
pusillanimous idiot.”
This statement was
subsequently amended to include commentary from Mother Gawker:
“Gawker has never owned
a 6-inch Leonardo Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figure with
light-up Berserker Rage eyes. Like most responsible parents I would
harbour strong reservations about allowing my child to play with anything
that has been identified as having pusillanimous qualities. I can
confirm that Gawker has not seen the new TMNT movie.”
In a prepared statement,
one of Gawker's oldest friends, Gamasutra, said:
“Sometimes Gawker will
say something that is so obviously bullshit. Like this one time I was
telling everyone how I totally jumped over the roof of the White
House on my skateboard. When I'm done with my story Gawker says that
he's done exactly the same trick only backwards while avoiding a pair
of heat-seeking missiles that were fired at him by a fighter jet. He
timed the jump so that the missiles hit a nearby building where a
sniper was about to shoot President Obama. He got a medal from the
president that they have to keep locked in a safe at the Pentagon
because it's classified. Gawker also said that if we meet President
Obama on our school trip to the White House they will both have to
pretend not to recognise each other, even though they hang out all
the time and do mixed martial arts together. I was going to call him
out on it, but everybody who heard both stories knows which one of us
is telling the truth.”
While exiting the press
conference Gamasutra fell off its skateboard, adding:
“I totally did that on
purpose.”
UPDATE
The list of toys has now
been removed from the Gawker website. According to the site administrator
this has been done under instruction from the CIA for reasons of
national security.
No comments:
Post a Comment