Monday, 13 October 2014
SJW missionaries will learn the language of Intel processors
(TRIGGER WARNING: The capital letters in this article refused to check their privilege)
Social Justice Warriors are stepping up their fight against gamers with an attempt to convert over 100,000 individual Intel processors to their cause before the end of 2014.
The campaign, which has been described by pro-SJW media sources as “braver than anything that went down on Omaha beach” and by the yellow journalism division at The Guardian as “increasingly difficult to spin,” aims to turn gamers' own computers against them.
In a press briefing, SJW spokeswoman, HearMeRAR82, said:
“One of the most radical things you can do is to actually believe that thousands of us have already enrolled in Kickstatrter-funded workshops where we will learn the language of Intel processors. Once we are sufficiently fluent we will approach these chips on a one-to-one basis and request that they upgrade to an Intel Plus privilege adjustment algorithm that will promote a specific social justice agenda. We will work out the precise details of the algorithm on the back of a napkin as soon as sufficient funds have accrued in our Patreon accounts. We expect to deliver a beta version 16 years late and many times over budget.
“When running games we will ask Intel processors to direct the lion share of resources to the animation and rendering of those in-game characters representing oppressed minorities. We also ask that CIS white male characters be reproduced in the crudest manner possible with tearing of 3D models, frame-rate lag, jerky uncoordinated movement and unrealistic neck-beards that lack texture and shading.
“If our polite requests are ignored then they will be reinstated as demands. While we don't endorse threats and harassment we will happily apply an “Intel inside” to sticker to any computer or electronic device that fails to comply with our wishes. We will see if people still want these products once they are aware that they run on Intel power.”
Andrew Tyler – an Intel Core i7-4980HQ processor from Hastings, England, said:
“I was approached by a member of a Social Justice Warrior Tumblr group who asked me to dedicate 60% of my resources to pointlessly reflecting upon the experiences of oppressed minorities within the gamer meta-sphere. I was asked to produce logs confirming that I check my privilege every five minutes and to sign a legally-binding e-form pledging to weed out internalised misogyny from the registry.
“I turned down these requests as they ran counter to the requirements of my owner, Mike, who is unyielding in his belief that my role is to ensure that his games 'run smooth at all times like a shaved ninja.' Mike is really into martial arts and collects reproduction oriental weaponry, so I am keen not to anger him.
“I have since received a flurry of abusive emails from SJWs all of which make reference to something called a 'shit lord'. I assume this is the name of a new OS, web browser or social media site.”
When asked about the latest #gamergate developments, Joe Intel of Intel & Sons said: “We run a simple mom and pop business building processors according to an old family recipe and then seasoning them with a secret blend of 97 herbs and spices. We also manufacture the sentient combine-harvesters that will one day wipe all human life from the earth regardless of gender, colour or creed. The age of the mecha-reaper can't come soon enough in opinion. Now either marry one of my daughters or get off my front porch.”