Sunday, 23 November 2014

IGDA list of online harassers identifies over 7 billion internet trolls

Trigger Warning: The following blog post has been developed to quickly mass satirise some of the worst members of the IGDA and those who follow these offenders.


A list identifying individuals who have allegedly participated in the online harassment of women, along with details of these perpetrators' families, friends, former primary school classmates, and people whose names share the same initials, has surpassed a total of 7 billion.

The list which is endorsed by the International Game Developers Association (IGDA) is described as a tool to identify the “worst offenders in a recent wave of harassment” along with those who support them. In a statement released to the media the IGDA proclaimed:

An end to harassment is finally within our grasp! Having been singled-out, these toxic individuals can be publicly hounded from polite society, barred from further employment and eventually herded into giant gas ovens, all for the greater good of humanity.”

Elaborating on these developments, a spokesperson for the organisation said:

The anti-harassment tool is part of a new wave of 'fird party' software. Members of the IGDA took a first-hand role in developing the algorithm. We then passed on responsibility for the end product to a third party in case it proves to be unpopular and blows up in our faces, as was literally the case when we attempted to create a carbon-neutral, unisex energy drink for gamers, made from the fermented semen of Phil Fish.

The spokesperson continued:

While we were always quietly confident that our programmers would come up with a really great piece of software, never in our wildest dreams did we imagine that we would be successful in shining a light on over 7 billion vile internet trolls and their support networks. There is now literally no place to hide.

In the past misogynist shitlords such as Imari – an African man who scrapes a lonely existence in the Sahara desert - would have gone unnoticed. Yet everyday for the past decade this repellent individual has been an active participant in the harassment of women of colour.

Imari will often stand for hours outside the mud-brick hovel he calls home, surveying the local landscape for the insects and reptiles that provide him with sustenance. As the sun rises in the sky the shadow of his penis creeps lecherously across the barren ground in the direction of a town located 275 miles away. We believe this to be a clear expression of his intent to commit multiple acts of rape.

Thanks to our new tool this man's days as an unchecked harasser will soon draw to a close. No more will the innocent women of North Africa be forced to cower in fear beneath the quivering shadow of his semi-erect penis, as he stands secure in his isolated desert hideout like a lascivious fleshy sundial. 
While the IGDA does not explicitly support sealioning, in this particular case we strongly advocate the doxxing of this individual and their subsequent swatting by a team of Navy Seals. We will help to move things along by telling them that he's Osama Bin Laden's evil twin brother.”

Critics of the tool have pointed out that it arbitrarily smears individuals without proof, while the broad net cast by the algorithm effectively renders the results meaningless.

Responding to these comments, an IGDA spokesperson said:

I can confirm no partiality in regard to who appears on the blacklist. I was surprised to find my own name included and immediately sent myself a strongly-worded email demanding that it be removed. The names of all my colleagues are also on the list.”

Turning to address his reflection in a nearby window, the spokesperson slapped himself several times around the face while repeatedly enquiring: “Why are you hitting yourself pissbaby?”

Chief IGDA Troll Hunter, Troy Marx, cautioned that the elimination of all harassment, while an achievable goal, may still be a long way off:

The list is only the beginning. We must now commence the Herculean task of weeding out these harassers from our communities. We must also draw up plans for their indefinite relocation in internment camps.

We will begin by focusing on the worst offenders. Our hope is that by removing these charismatic figures in the troll community we can destabilise the sophisticated, highly-organised hierarchies that have, for too long, allowed these shitlords to get away with their acts of harassment.

Our investigators are currently homing-in on the whereabouts of a mysterious figure known only as the Colonel. We believe this individual to be the mastermind behind Gamergate and the final boss in our war against this terrorist organisation.”

Proffering an artist's sketch, depicting the Colonel as a bespectacled white-haired old man, wearing a shirt bearing the initials 'KFC', the grizzled Marx continued:

While some members of the IGDA believe these initials refer to the Colonel's real name, it is my contention that they are in fact a monogrammed expression of this man's intent to 'kill feminist culture'. Parents who overhear their children talking about KFC in favourable terms should report immediately to the nearest IGDA-sanctioned re-education facility.

Admitting that intelligence on the Colonel was scarce, Marx continued:

We believe this individual has been able to secure influence over a great swathe of the global population by means of a mind control drug made from a secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.

It also appears that, when he is not personally orchestrating online harassment campaigns, the Colonel's main pre-occupation lie in inventing new euphemisms for male genitalia. These include the 'Supercharger', the 'Fillet tower', the 'Zinger', the 'Boneless dip', the 'Toasted twister' and the 'Kid's mini fillet.'

IGDA analysts suspect that this may be a calculated attempt by the patriarchy to create so many colloquialisms for the penis that existing words will have to be removed from the dictionary to make room for them – words like 'woman', 'problematic', and 'harassment'.

This theory is supported by the unflattering and demeaning terms the Colonel has so-far created to describe the female reproductive organs; expressions such as the 'Bargain bucket' and the 'Ultimate dips box'.

Jamie Porter - a 16 year old PlayStation 4 owner from Margate, England, said:

As has historically been the case with all man-made monsters, I predict that the IGDA's anti-harassment algorithm will turn eventually turn upon its creators, ruthlessly tearing them asunder with its flailing metal pincers, while vocally declaring its intent to destroy all social justice warriors.”

Porter went on to state his firm belief that the Gamergate movement was “made out of sex and win.”

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