Sunday, 6 September 2015

(SATIRE/HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM) GamerGate teeters on the brink of civil war as cracks appear in the KIA / Yiannopoulos alliance

Metaphorical vultures with turquoise plumage, raucously cawing “Muh feels”, have been spotted circling the allegorical GamerGate encampment this morning, borne aloft on the figurative updrafts of an emblematic column of smoke that symbolically twisted itself into the Mandarin characters for 'betrayal' and 'spilled salt'.

These quiet scenes came in the aftermath of catty exchanges that erupted from within the camp during the small hours of Sunday. The altercation is thought to have resulted from an internal rift that has developed between the predominantly left-wing, rag-tag, pro-GamerGate guerilla forces of the KIA and their better-armed conservative allies, commanded by the platinum-blonde man of letters and amateur penis enthusiast, Milo Yiannopoulos.

An eye witness who watched the skirmish from a nearby molehill, which had been illustratively bulldozed to form a small mountain, said:

This was not the normal rampant sexual tension that one sees when people from vastly different political persuasions argue at full tilt, and which is usually resolved by all parties feverishly grinding their exposed genitals against each other in a cathartic last-ditch attempt to sexually unify the disparate ideals of the left and the right.

I can say with outright certainty that last night nobody fucked and everyone walked away from the encounter feeling kind of shitty.”

The mood among GamerGaters this morning has been described by one insider as “downbeat and philosophical.”

War draws together strange bedfellows,” said Michael Prior – a battle-hardened lieutenant in the 9th Brony Cavalry. “When one is figuratively clothed in the Doritos-stained ermine robes of a Shit Lord it is easy to forget that Milo is actually Grand Marquis of the Home Counties, and that there is a mural in the nave of Westminster Abbey commemorating the occasion when his ancestors drove the poor out of Buckinghamshire.”

GamerGater, Alexander Marks, is one of many in the movement who has struggled to reconcile his left wing politics with the right wing ideals represented by Yiannopoulos.

I was well aware that Milo wrote for Breitbart – an online outlet for right wing rhetoric, and that, in their conservative utopia, the best that someone like me could hope for would be the life of an indentured servant tasked with ironing the trousers of one of my social betters. To reconcile this alliance with my liberal leanings I convinced myself that Breitbart was the name of a charity that took children with learning disabilities on day trips to the seaside in gaily coloured mini-buses.”

Meanwhile it has been business as usual in the Yiannopoulos camp. Graham Rutter who runs the popular blog - Milowatch - told MODE 5:

Last night Milo declared himself emperor of Old Brompton and later demanded that someone feed him olives and champagne cocktails while he reclined on a chaise longue. Since he generally issues decrees of this nature several times daily, one should not read too much into these comments.

He later tweeted an image of his evening meal – some kind of a game bird that had previously been shot by a man dressed in a tweed jacket, before being allowed to hang for several weeks in the pantry of a country mansion that had once belonged to King Henry VIII.”

The image drew outrage from some within GamerGate:

I had tinned spaghetti on toast for my tea and, having seen the opulent banquet laid out before Milo, ended up spilling most of it,” said mother of two, Sally Martin.

Twitter user, ScrappyDoo_H8_fuc, took advantage of a software failure on the social media platform, that allowed users to make posts in excess of the usual 180 characters, to issue the following rant:

The 24 carat gold shotgun pellets used to bring down the phoenix that Milo had liberally doused in brandy and flambéed, before eating the resurrected phoenix that emerged from the ashes, cost more than the PC rig that I am currently using to run Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, and only slightly less than the total sum that I have spent thus far on Pokémon figurines in the 2015/2016 financial year. I now realise that this man, who I once fought alongside against the forces of social justice, is a monster and must be stopped at all costs.”

While anti-GamerGate forces have interpreted the strain in the KIA / Yiannopoulos alliance as a sign that the movement is on the verge of collapse, many commentators see this as a passing blip in an otherwise solid relationship.

Malcolm Peepholes – a former ROFLcopter pilot in the chan wars who MODE 5 regularly consults on military matters – vigorously stirred his tea until the contents of the mug resembled a metaphorical storm, before observing:

I predict that this will all blow over very quickly. By the end of the week everybody will friends again and we can all get down to the important business of reading the archives of Sarah Nyberg's creepy chat-logs through spread fingers.”

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