Satirical writings on #GamerGate
"...somewhat funny" - KotakuInAction (Reddit)
"Not everyone can be as funny as The Onion. That was just painful."
"Jumped the shark I'm afraid." - KotakuInAction
"Honestly, do you do anything here but submit links to your own blog?" - KotakuInAction
Friday, 1 April 2016
(BLUE PILLED) As of today, former GamerGate blog, MODE 5, will fully support social justice causes. We encourage you all to join us.
Announcement: As of today, MODE 5 will no longer support GamerGate.
Henceforth we will dedicate these pages to signal-boosting causes and
individuals who are sympathetic to the regressive tenets of social
big part of growing up is making mistakes. Part of maturing into a
well-rounded adult is acknowledging these follies of youth and taking
positive steps to rectify past problematic behaviour.
late 2014, MODE 5 has inexcusably adopted a pro-gamer stance; one
that is strongly grounded in promoting ethical standards in the
videogaming press, and also in the wider media.
this end we pandered slavishly to the depraved yearnings of sub-human
basement dwellers, living in their own filth and squalor, furtively
masturbating into soiled Pokemon socks to pre-rendered images of Lara
Croft's buttocks. These devolved, sub-specimens of humanity are so
repellent, so morbidly obese, so downright male in their appearance,
that when they are found dead in their early 20s, usually by their
parents, they have often undergone a form of mummification resulting
from the bright orange Doritos seasoning, that forms a large part of
their diet, and comes to inhabit every nook and fold of their bare
erroneously campaigned for those upstanding pillars of our community
who work in the videogaming industry (be they journalists, games
designers or publishers, or cultural commentators serving on awards
panels) to provide disclosure of any conflicts of interests that
might lead to the game-buying public being misled.
doing so we called into question the integrity of honest, decent,
hard-working people who had done nothing wrong, and who were just
trying to make a living, and entertain us with classic titles such as
Sim City (2013) and Aliens: Colonial Marines.
now accept that, like the old school coin-op arcade, Gauntlet,
the gaming community thrives on cooperation. If, as a videogames
publisher, you become aware that a journalist on an independent
magazine or website (one of the people who is ultimately responsible for writing
the positive PR for your games) is struggling to make ends meet, then it is
morally imperative that you pay them to have sex.
unreservedly acknowledge that sometimes giving an attractive young
person's career a leg up can entail your penis or your vagina
becoming involved. The wheels of the gaming industry are, like any
respectable industry, generously lubed with cum.
wrongly adopted a zero-tolerance stance against those who were barely
working on the fringes of videogaming, who downed tools and cried
victim for financial gain, while inciting hate-fuelled mobs of their
supporters to abuse and intimidate those who they claimed were their
over-reacted to Gawker media journalist, Sam Biddle's, call for nerds
who supported GamerGate to be bullied and degraded into submission.
Biddle was right. Bullying builds character and helps to thin out the
population. In hindsight, Gawker were right about everything.
laughed at the broken timer on Zoe Quinn's website, when we should
have just pooled our resources with others in the gaming industry and
bought her a new clock as 'feel better' present.
were active participants on a subreddit called Kotaku In Action which
actively supports GamerGate. On this subreddit, MODE 5 staff, to our
great shame, registered over 9000 sockpuppet accounts, grossly
inflating the number of individuals who appeared to support the
GamerGate movement. In fact that number is closer to 300.
arrow to the knee?
neutered translation of our website's English articles to make them
more likely to gain traction and favourable coverage in foreign
it was none of these things.
week I was blue pilled.
turquoise-haired saviour was a San Francisco girl named Taylor. We
were the sole attendees at a Randi Harper-sponsored social justice
themed dating seminar, at the SxSW festival in Austin, Texas.
the eight hour lecture, I learned that my white male gaze is a weapon
of rape and cultural appropriation that, unlike the heat vision of
the X-Men's Cyclops, can neither be tamed, nor focused, by a visor.
The best that I can do is lower my eyes and utter mumbled agreement
to any suggestions made by those who are less privileged than myself,
which is everyone. I learned to accept Taylor's physical blows and
verbal insults with good grace. By surrendering centuries of
undeservedly accumulated white, cis-gendered male privilege, I became
a better person.
evening I asked Taylor if she would do me the honour of co-editing
MODE 5, as I steered the blog in a social justice oriented direction. I am assured that this will be profitable and result in a considerable
boost in traffic.
refused my offer, insisting on total editorial control.
was something about this girl who has alienated her wealthy family,
has failed to hold down a job for more than a few weeks, and whose
university thesis was a deconstruction of the Twilight Saga, that
made me want to agree to her demands.
benefits aren't all one way. Taylor says that if I continue to check
my privilege and acquire the second job that will be necessary if I
am to keep pace with the punishing donation schedule to her PayPal account,
then she may allow me to touch her breast under her T-shirt as early
I have mentioned above, as of April 1st, 2016, MODE 5 will
no longer promote GamerGate. Henceforth this website will identify as
a pro-social justice blog operating in the Victorian era, albeit with
steampunk overtones, and access to contemporary Apple computer
products and soy lattes.
preferred pronouns are:
“Ms Harriet Foster-Jones (nee Harry Foster) of
Belvedere Mews, Mayfair, London.”
would prefer readers who engage with this site to do so while dressed
as characters from the BBC's Downton Abbey, but with
mechanical clockwork arms and brass flight goggles.
that our future articles do not overstep the boundaries of cultural
appropriation, our output will be calibrated by a newly-acquired
mechanical scale of oppression. The purchase of this device has been
subsidised by firing half our journalists and replacing them with
wide-eyed unpaid interns and their otherkin. We now stand proudly as
one of the few online publications to employ a recovering sex offender who
shares their headspace with a forest of panty-sniffing Ents who were
banished from Middle Earth by Gandalf The White.
with our commitment to social justice we have closed the comment
section on this post and have pre-emptively blocked you all on