- Over 10,000 letters, all sent on the same day from the same postal address, demanding that any Nintendo games involving the rescue of Princess Peach end with Mario hurling her into an erupting volcano (10).
- A petition forwarded to Microsoft, requesting that all games on the Xbox feature, as the main character, a burly, heavily armed and armoured space marine, engaged in a never-ending war against an alien menace with a name reminiscent of the kind of early noughties New York-based band that made a habit of playing in independent art galleries (The Blind, The Greyness, etc) (11).
Saturday, 1 November 2014
Wikipedia: Our latest entry on #Gamergate may be our most accurate yet
(TRIGGER WARNING: What follows below is a work of satire with no grounding in reality (1). Instead of checking the sources why not check your privilege, then shut up, listen, and believe)
Wikipedia: Our latest entry on #Gamergate may be our most accurate yet
Gamergate is a global terrorist hate meme that wants to destroy all women (2). It is fronted by the King of Poland (3), various members of the online nobility (4), and a sentient biscuit with telekinetic powers who escaped from a secret government laboratory in Cheshire, England (5). They are aided by Milo Yiannopoulos - Salesperson of the Year, 2013, at Brite Bart (an online clothing retailer offering high-street fashions at affordable prices in a range of sizes) (6).
This is according to the latest entry on the Gamergate movement from the online flea-market of hearsay and opinion masquerading as fact - Wikipedia.
The updated article opens with a quote from the socio-identity biologist, Lynn Unwood (author of Toxic Gender Roles in Sichuan Panda Colonies) who claims that Gamergate could pose a greater threat to life on earth than the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs 40 years ago (7). According to Unwood “the desperate, last gasp actions of this obsolete, testosterone-fuelled sub-trope may result in a mass extinction of the intricate hierarchies of oppression and victimhood that I have spent most of my academic life cataloguing and inventing Latin-sounding names for”(8).
The Wikipedia article goes on to describe a pair of autopsies that were carried out on Gamergate supporters by writers at The Guardian newspaper. These allegedly prove beyond reasonable doubt that Gamergaters are not real people but crude automatons fashioned from Doritos seasoning, moistened with the butt sweat of unlovable middle-aged, neck-bearded, white, male virgins, who all all speak with the voice of Andy Dick (9).
The entry also details campaigns by Gamergate supporters to drive female characters out of video games for good. This includes:
Opponents of Gamergate are given their own dedicated section, accessible only after over 500 pages of detailed trigger warnings, utilising embedded eye-tracking software, have been laboriously clicked through.
The Social Justice Warriors (SJW) vs Gamergate entry includes an interactive timeline chronologising the SJWs' descent from heaven and the numerous victories they have won in their war against sexism in the video games industry. Special attention is given to Anita Sarkeesian (12) (whose new video Three Sexist Video Games That I Wouldn't Be Caught Dead Playing has been delayed while additional funds are raised to carry out further research) and the games developer and philanthropist - Zoe Quinn (13).
Also described is the attempt by social justice warriors to abolish the redundant patriarchal tradition of academic peer review and replace it with “Meer Review” in which authors would award each other gold stars and limit criticism to catty remarks made behind one another's backs. Self-ascribed “man fembot” - Montague Dűche is quoted as saying: “Meerkat colonies prosper because they nurture mutual support networks and discourage constructive criticism which is indistinguishable from rape and should be punished by death, even though I am against the death penalty.” (14)
Some attempt is made to address the claims by Gamergate supporters that the movement is one primarily concerned with a lack of journalistic ethics in the gaming media.
This argument is efficiently dispatched in a quote attributed to the editor of Kotaku - Stephen Totilo: “Communal bubble baths between games journalists and developers have been an integral part of the industry since the early days. Just because you happen to some touch somebody's genitals while getting in or out of a hot tub doesn't mean that you will automatically give their game a good write-up. Following that logic if, for example, tomorrow at 4:30 pm, on the corner of 37th and 5th, I brush up against your crotch in the street, does that mean that I am going to give your game Depression Quest II: The Return of Jack Steele a good review? No, of course it doesn't (15).
A spokesperson for Wikipedia said:
“Our objectivity algorithm allows us to create articles that are accurate to within a fraction of a percentile (16). In our never-ending quest for veracity we have adopted the same tried and tested precision technology that was used by The Titanic to avoid icebergs. That transatlantic liner enjoyed a long and prestigious service (17) which was celebrated in a film Titanic, starring the Norwegian actor Hugh Jackman (18) alongside the crayfish from The Little Mermaid, who was voiced by Avril Lavigne.
“We will freely admit that, at one point, we all thought that Gamergate was literally an actual gate that was used to bar women from gaining access to video games, similar to the glass ceilings that sadly remain an architectural feature in many modern office buildings (19). In hindsight we feel pretty foolish for thinking that.”
The spokesperson went on to solicit financial donations for Wikipedia, citing numerous sources supporting why the website needed the money (20) (21) (22).
1. Archaeology robots establish that MODE5 article 'Wikpedia: Our latest entry on #GamerGate may be our most accurate yet' was a cack-handed and untrustworthy 21st century attempt at satire (25th Century Archaeologist Weekly)
2. Gamergate leaders admit: “It was about misogyny all along” (Literally Wow! Magazine)
3. Polish Monarch Tops FBI's List of Most-Wanted Kings (Daily Mail)
4. If the cake is a lie then let them eat lies (Cyberoylaty Times (Washington Edition))
5. Are the extreme left weaponising biscuits? (Fox News)
6. Why even a full mackintosh with a double fleece lining won't protect you from a hurricane-force shit storm (Brite Bart in-house magazine)
7. London Zoo's dinosaur habitat pelted with well-aimed space boulders by Nazi space yobs (The Sun)
8. Why using the word 'tropes' as a shortcut to academic credibility is the new 'putting on a pair of glasses and pretending to be really into science' (The Guardian – fashion section)
9. Why I refuse to have sex with a man who has a bright orange penis (Brenda Allan - The Guardian)
10. With the exception of my dear father – Lord Darlington - men are awful, ghastly, sub-human animals (Margaret Darlington - The Guardian)
11. Is the burly space marine trope in modern video games responsible for poor body image in our armed forces? (Polygon)
12. Anita Sarkeesian is literally made of all the win (Zoe Quinn – San Francisco Journal of Social Justice (Shut Up, Listen & Believe press))
13. Could Zoe Quinn be any more awesome? (Anita Sarkeesian – Social Justice Journal of San Francisco (Shut Up, Listen & Believe Press))
14. Meerkat society as a model for positive discrimination in academic journals (Montague Dűche – Journal of Social Justice for San Francisco (Shut Up, Listen & Believe Press))
15. Why I only give a friend's game a glowing review if we end up in bed together and the sex is really, really good (Joseph Frog-Glover - Kotaku)
16. Wikipedia Objectivity Algorithm (Wikipedia) Sadly when we tried this link we were redirected to another Wikipedia entry confirming the existence of the Iranian village - Mokhvor, Hamadan
17. A list of ships that never sank (Wikipedia)
18. Is Hugh Jackman the one true Norwegian? (The Norwegian Times (Washington Edition))
19. Commercial demand for glass ceilings is pushing the price of windows through the roof (The New Statesman)