Thursday, 6 November 2014

Nick Denton announces ground invasion of Hoth

(TRIGGER WARNING: Star Wars-themed satire. May contain trace element of Lucas)

Nick Denton announces ground invasion of Hoth

Forces loyal to the web-based blather-monger, Gawker, are poised to invade the fictional ice planet of Hoth. The barren frozen world is thought to be the hideout of a rag-tag army of Gamergate rebels comprising mostly of bots along with a handful of white, male, neck-bearded virgins.

Pointing through a makeshift glassless window on the bridge of his Super Star Destroyer / living-room cushion fort, self-styled gawker Sith Lord, Nick Denton said:

The secret Gamergate base is located in the Hoth system. And I am sure King of Pol is with them. General Veers, prepare your men.”

Awkwardly steepling his gauntleted hands, Denton continued:

It is a fool who mistakes the silence of his enemy as a signifier of defeat. All this time I have been drawing those who would defy my will deeper into my web. How does it feel to learn that I have been guiding your movements ever since the inception of the gamergate hashtag? All that you have achieved has been in accordance with my grand design – an elaborate scheme whose intricate labyrinthine architecture you are too feeble-minded to comprehend.

For eons I have pondered the means to destroy that which has proven itself to be impervious to death. In the end the solution to the problem of, how shall we say, 'killing Bart Simpson' was oh so simple:

A few bitcoins dropped into the right hands and there were abundant hipsters who were only too willing to grow their absurd facial hair into unkempt neck beards so as to better infiltrate the human shambles that you, with no trace of irony, refer to as your army. These agents have been hard at work sowing the seeds of discord within your movement. At my command they will unite to form a single fist that will thrust at your weakened forces from within!

Why, you may be asking yourselves, am I revealing the details of my plan before it has reached its fruition?

Because your fates are already sealed. Your awareness of my grand deception is of no consequence to the outcome, which is already assured. By all means resist if you must. Your death struggles will amuse me.

Even as I speak my forces are preparing to invade you secret headquarters on Hoth. Oh yes, I am quite aware of Hoth. Who do you think it was that suggested the planet as a safe haven? 
Meanwhile my embedded agents will cast off their disguises. Brother will turn upon brother. In a delicious irony your destinies will mirror that of Billy and Jimmy Lee, who at the conclusion of Double Dragon must battle each other for the affections of Marian. The ice caverns of your ill-chosen sanctuary will be your frozen mausoleum.”

Denton went on to describe his glittering military career that saw him graduate top of his class in the Navy Seals, participating in numerous secret raids against Al-Qaeda, while racking up an impressive 300 confirmed kills and ascending through the ranks to become the top sniper in the US armed forces. He added that, at this very moment, his secret network of spies were tracing the IP addresses of all gamergaters and that these maggots should prepare themselves “for a storm.”

Gawker invasion of Hoth fails to uncover gamergate rebels

A ground invasion of the ice world Hoth by the scurrilous online prattle rag, Gawker, has failed to locate the Gamegate headquarters, or stall the momentum of the righteous consumer-driven movement in its quest to restore ethics to games journalism and balance to the force.

Upon arrival on Hoth, paramilitaries operating under the command of Gawker Sith Lord, Nick Denton, and his subordinate - a Siamese cat known as General Veers, were greeted by a gigantic goatse sculpture fashioned entirely out of snow, and the rusting skeletal remains of the 4chan low orbit ion cannon.

A spokes-shill for Gawker confirmed that three staff had been eaten by wampas and that it was harder to slice open the belly of a tauntaun than they had been led to believe from viewings of The Empire Strikes Back.

They added:

Denton has abandoned us in this subarctic hell-hole. Please send help.”

In a statement issued from Gawker HQ, Denton said:

It would appear that a, soon to be unemployed, unpaid worker within my organisation made the details of my plans public knowledge, thereby warning the Gamergate rebels of the impending attack and spoiling what would have otherwise been a very pleasant day indeed. That individual has failed me for the last time.”

At this point Denton raised his hand and mimed holding someone tightly around the throat. In response a number of Gawker interns hurled themselves off their chairs and began writhing around on the floor feigning asphyxiation.

Speaking from the cockpit of an X-wing fighter, a based spokesperson for Gamergate, glowing a brilliant yellow from the x4 damage multiplier they had recently collected, remarked:

The Gamergate headquarters are still based in ruins on Yavin IV. Nick Denton would know this if he hadn't blocked our account on Twitter. We don't know the identity of the people who made the goatse sculpture. As has been generally been the case with such things in the past it is probably the work of some mischievous third-party, possibly bored teenagers.”

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