Saturday, 18 April 2015
(SATIRE) “Only those who are truly pure of heart may see the full list of convention rules” say games convention organisers
The incident occurred yesterday when members of the expo's Coercion Patrol approached a stand being operated by the Syrup Weasel Brigade and demanded that the group vacate the building immediately.
“When I requested a summary of the exact rules that had been broken, I was told that I lacked the mental capacity and the academic accomplishments necessary to grasp the great offence I had caused to the other attendees,” said Syrup Weasel cohort, Agatha Tiefighter.
“When I pressed the issue, a member of the security team thrust a discredited, dog-eared, 9th grade physics textbook, open on random page, into my face and yelled: 'THERE! YOU SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.'
“I informed the security guard that the answer to the mathematical problem in the book was 73 with a recurring remainder of 3, but that I failed to see how this related to our present situation. At this point we were forcibly escorted off the premises.”
Literally What? organisers initially defended their actions in a series of piecemeal statements on Twitter. These were subsequently erased, redrafted and replaced with other statements which have also been erased.
A statement regarding the incident on the expo's website reads:
“Although a full list of do s and don'ts is made available to everyone operating booths at the convention, only those individuals who are truly pure of heart will be able to perceive these rules in their entirety. On this occasion it appears that some impure souls slipped through our screening process and subsequently broke a great many of the commandments that make Literally What? a fun and inclusive experience for everybody who attends.”
A MODE 5 reporter, who infiltrated the expo by posing as a blogger from our rival social justice-themed publication, MODE 4, requested a list of the rules and was presented with a hardback book consisting of two printed sheets followed by approximately 492 blank pages. A quotation on the back cover, attributed to the actor Wil Wheaton, praised the book as “a daring and progressive manifesto that will revolutionise the convention-going experience.”
After pointing out to the organisers that most of the rule book appeared to be nothing more than white space our reporter was publicly branded a heretic who lacked “the true sight” and was ejected from the building amidst a chorus of boos and cries of “Shitlord!”
MODE 5 spoke to a number of convention goers who had assembled at a 'No Rape Zone' in a re-purposed sheltered bus stop outside the convention centre. Prior to entering our reporter was asked, along with other members of the general public who were waiting for a bus, to sign legally binding paperwork, pledging that he would not rape anyone while in the zone.
One anonymous attendee who claims to have developed self-diagnosed PTSD after witnessing the Syrup Weasels being escorted from the building, said:
“You could tell from the way they were dressed - in jeans, plaid shirts, bow-ties and grey v-necked sweater vests - that they had just come to cause trouble. I am amazed that they were allowed into the convention in the first place.”
Guest speaker, Valentina Lionrug, who lectures on safe spaces in Minecraft, said:
“The presence at this expo of strong, talented women who are willing to engage in frank and open public debate on complicated issues and to eloquently express their dissenting opinions in person, as opposed to anonymously from behind a twitter account backed by a screeching hate mob, demeans all of us who make a career from crying 'victimhood' and begging for money on social media. The bottom line is that I was made to feel unsafe. I am glad that the bad lady has gone and is never coming back.”
A subhuman creature who identified itself to us as 'Butts', and who we assume was cos-playing Reek from Game of Thrones, told MODE 5: “I have no time for sticky weasels. I require all of the weasels who enter into my servitude to be well-lubed and slick to the touch.”
Fallout from the eviction has stirred up anger and bad feeling on both sides of the on-going debate around social justice and censorship. Asked whether any further action or investigation into the incident would be carried out, a spokesperson for Literally What? said:
“We take accusations of rule breaches at our conventions and events extremely seriously. Our thorough investigations are grounded on the same principles of rigorous bias, empty speculation and open disregard for legal due process, that have proven invaluable when addressing issues of social justice on university campuses across America and the United Kingdom.”
Asked whether the Syrup Weasels would be reimbursed any part of the $10,000 they had paid for their booth at Literally What?, the spokesperson informed MODE 5 that this sum was levied in order to cover admin costs and would not be refunded.