Sunday, 12 April 2015
SJWs cry foul as Sad Puppies from the planet Correia XLV gain seats on the Intergalactic High Council
:Stardate: April 2015
They have gained notoriety as a star-faring collective of self-appointed warrior elites, who battle across space and time under the banner of social justice, plundering planets of resources and leaving in their wake a trail of barren salt-encrusted rocks upon which no life can flourish.
Yesterday the seemingly relentless momentum of the SJW Combine was finally stalled following their calamitous defeat in the chambers of the Intergalactic High Council. The debate, which included representation from civilisations from across the 19 galaxies, saw the vote fall overwhelmingly in favour of allowing a race of Sad Puppies from the planet Correia XLV to participate in interstellar government – a proposal that had been vigorously contested by SJWs on the grounds that the puppies “make them feel unsafe”.
The aftermath of the debate came as a rare moment of reality for the SJW Combine – an upstart civilisation that has, in recent times, cut a swathe of devastation across a chain of worlds and has been described by robot scientists as “the densest singularity on record, from which no coherent information ever escapes.”
In the pan-dimensional press amphitheatre of the upper senate, a doughy, blue-haired star pixie, flanked by members of the celibate beta guard (a submissive male caste adorned in ceremonial neck beards, white plate armour and plaid wizard robes) read a prepared statement to the assembled Unified Solar Systems 4th Journalism Corps:
“Our formerly reliable tactic of screeching venomous, spittle-laden invective a few inches from the faces of our oppressors, relentlessly zerging fence-sitters, and pretending that the universal translator is broken whenever anyone attempts to engage us in dialogue has failed. We suspect either a thermodynamic anomaly in the fabric of space-time resulted in temporary psychosis among delegates, or that some kind of mind-controlling parasite may be responsible for the bizarre voting patterns that we witnessed in the Intergalactic Council chamber last Friday. We are consulting old episodes of Star Trek in a five year search for possible answers.
“Under our governance the Sad Puppies of Correia XLV would have been dyed blue and quarantined in our pleasure menageries. As a result of our defeat these adorable capering canines have been elevated to a position of political influence that will allow them to infect current galactic thinking with dangerous new ideas, and forever bar our civilisation from gaining unfettered access to their hindquarters.”
MODE 5 can reveal that, prior to Friday's vote, the SJW Combine had engaged in underhanded tactics that were aimed at destabilising the government on Correia XLV. This included sending their weakest, most underprivileged cyborg back in time with instructions to kill the future leader of the Sad Puppies. In a separate incident SJW ships were filmed bombarding the neighbouring uninhabited worlds of Correia XLIV and Correia XLVI with libellous propaganda claiming that the move towards intergalactic politics was driven by an elite minority of white male puppies with poor bowel and bladder control.
Asked whether their defeat had caused them to reconsider their position the SJW spokesperson said:
“If we have learned anything from the past few days, it is that we must immediately begin funding research into the construction of louder megaphones. These will allow us to bellow a threat that will be audible to civilisations over 9000 light years away, and will be mistaken for the voice of god by primitive cultures and therefore obeyed unquestioningly.”
Following the press conference the Zergling Ambassador said: “Again our race has been portrayed in space parliament and in the media section of the fucking Guardian as a mindless swarm. This deeply offensive racial stereotype ignores the nuances of our glorious life-cycle and the magnificent process of assimilation in which species absorbed by the Zerg are generously gifted with oversized mandibles, leathery bat wings and testicular acid glands.
Following the statement, the ambassador enthusiastically demolished a nearby surface-to-air missile launcher before burrowing into grounds of a Terran Command Centre.
Sad Puppies' Intergalactic High Council debut marred by hysteria/automatic sentry guns
The mood in the upper chamber of the Intergalactic High Council was tense this morning as a race of Sad Puppies from the planet Correia XLV made their inaugural appearance at a debate over the taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems.
While some council members made efforts to welcome the new inductees with bowls of water and squeaky chew toys, MODE 5 observed representatives from the SJW Combine staring anxiously at a moving red dot on a motion tracker that charted the advance of the Correian delegation.
Murmurs of displeasure, after the Puppies apparently avoided a pair of automatic sentry guns that had been placed in the hallway outside the council chamber, turned to mild panic when the doleful procession entered through a side door causing one startled SJW emissary to wail erroneously: “They're coming out of the walls! That's it, man! Game over, man! Game over!”
“Frankly it was embarrassing,” said RainbowSparkle – a sentient, powder blue horse, with a mane composed of children's wishes, from one of the Brony worlds.
In an address to the assembly, Sad Puppies ambassador Fenton Torgersen III said:
“Although youthful in appearance we are an ancient order of life for whom even the LOLcats of the memeosphere elicit no mirth. I would like to assure those of you who harboured reservations over our induction onto the council that the answer to the question: 'Who's a good boy?' is 'I am! Yes I am! Yes I am. Yes I am.'
“We believe the SJW Combine who have been among the most vocal opponents of our race's transition to space government would better serve their interests by putting their own house in order.
“Rising salt water levels on a number of SJW worlds has necessitated evacuation in a number of cases, and the subsequent conquest and ecological devastation of other planets.
Meanwhile the slowly disintegrating off-world space ark commanded by SJW Princess, Leigh Alexander, continues to haemorrhage detritus across the interstellar shipping lanes and is currently tended to by a single dumpy robot with a battered watering can.”
Reaction to the speech from SJW loyalists varied: One android who experienced logic circuit burn-out reverted to its former programming and began offering analysis of hand writing samples in exchange for galactic credits
Meanwhile, on-duty Space Cop, Lieutenant Rich Evans, confirmed the sloppy sexual assault of a handsome young star fleet captain, cornered by an inebriated member of the SJW delegation who asked him to “Teach me about this concept you Earthlings call meritocracy.”
An aquarium-bound, manatee-like creature, whose name translates as Literally Who, commented telepathically:
“I've… seen things you people wouldn't believe… SJW attack ships opening fire on the developers of Orion: Prelude. I watched septum piercings glitter in the dark near the Golden Gate Bridge. All those… moments… will be lost in time, like salty tears… in… rain...”
After a few moments of glassy-eyed contemplation the creature added:
“I am continually being harassed by sea lions. Please donate galactic credits to my Patreon account.”