Saturday, 25 April 2015
(SATIRE) U.S. Police launch manhunt for elite Navy Seal
A mysterious and enigmatic figure from the U.S. military, whose true status and identity is classified as Top Secret and unknown even to the President of the United States, has allegedly stepped out of the shadows to embark upon a campaign of harassment against an opponent of the Gamergate movement.
A chilling statement posted online by the anonymous soldier reads:
“What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills.”
A level-14 Google search conducted by MODE 5 confirms that the perpetrator has made similar threats to a number of other internet users since 2012. These missives originate from multiple IPs located in countries spread across the globe, with many issued at the same time from nations separated by 1000 of miles: A phenomena that has led some experts to hypothesise that, supplemental to his military training, the mysterious Navy Seal is also a L33T black hat hacker with a power level in excess of 9000, posting from behind as many as seven proxies.
U.S. Police confirmed to MODE 5 that they are currently investigating an individual who the media have begun to refer to as 'the Sea Lion'.
Sgt Bladderstroke, who is heading up the investigation San Pedro, CA, said:
“It says something about the levels of fear this individual is able to exert over his victims that while this threat is one of thousands to have been made, this is the first time that his criminal activities have been brought to the attention of the police.
“When a criminal mastermind such as the one who we are dealing with here emerges into the light we must act upon the opportunity and do everything within our power to bring them to justice. Frankly this department can't survive another Keyser Söze style fuck-up.”
In a separate press conference given by the head of a dedicated FBI task force Special Agent Niles Sexual-Squier, said:
“I can confirm that the suspect in question has escalated their behaviour from mass murder to online harassment. I can also confirm that this individual is indeed the top sniper in the entire US armed forces and, by his own admission, has been involved in gorilla warfare, literally a one-man war waged against gorillas. If you want to know how that went then ask yourself: When was the last time I saw a gorilla that wasn't in a cage?
“Given the number of kills claimed by the suspect we think it highly unlikely that they will surrender and allow themselves to be taken into custody alive. We would therefore like to take this opportunity to warn of a bloody end to this manhunt with a high body-count and significant collateral damage.
“In addition we believe the suspect to be in control of a global network of spies. It is highly likely that some of these sleeper agents are embedded in the police and the armed forces. Some of my colleagues standing beside me today may well be in the pay of this unstoppable killing machine. However it also likely that this madman's intelligence network extends to workers in stores, cafes and toll booths. We would advise all members of the public to operate under the assumption that nowhere is safe and that sleep is no longer an option, although staying awake is unlikely to help you either.
“Our only hope when facing off against such a formidable opponent is to act in the split second when he decides which of the 700 ways he has been trained to kill a human being he uses on you.
Master Chief Petty Officer Carmichael of the U.S. Navy told Mode 5:
“Although full disclosure of this Navy Seal lies way beyond my security clearance, I can confirm that, by prior arrangement, this individual has been granted access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps.
“Furthermore, on the day prior to this most recent threat, an army warehouse full of small arms and also some larger arms, was emptied in the space of five minutes between guard patrols. Since no vehicle appears to have been used in the heist we can only assume that the 10,000 items of weaponry and ammunition were carried away by hand.”
Military psychologists are still debating whether an expressed intention to “shit fury all over you,” which concludes the threat is a figurative statement, or evidence of coprophiliac tendencies and an underlying sexual motive.
The full transcript of the Navy Seal threat can be read below:. Readers should be advised that the following passage contains distressing imagery and an absolute fuck load of swearing:
“What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.”