Friday, 23 October 2015
(SATIRE) Arthur Chu: “Overton Window doomsday device will destroy GamerGate”
A wunderkind, who once triumphed to the tune of almost $400,000 on the venerable American game show Jeopardy!, has claimed that a doomsday device, known as an Overton Window, represents the best hope for destroying the GamerGate movement.
General knowledge warrior, Arthur Chu, told waiting passengers at the New York Port Authority Bus Terminal:
“By shifting the orientation of the Overton Window by 45 degrees either to the left or to the right, those searching for job opportunities within the Gamergate company will instead find themselves confronted by a bare brick wall that will hinder any further progress onto the internet, and cause what little brains they possess to liquefy and dribble out through their noses.”
Chu was later witnessed lecturing tourists who were queuing for a new Ages of Justin Bieber exhibit outside Madame Tussauds on 42nd Street:
“We can angle the window in a way that reflects the sun into eyes of GamerGaters, distracting them during online debates and forcing them to type with one hand, while using the other to shield their eyes from the fierce glare.”
“The window can also act as a lens, magnifying the heat of the sun and causing the clothing of GamerGaters to catch fire, and the flesh to melt from their bones in the extreme temperatures. Ha-Hah, Hah, HAH!”
Chu has been engaged in a long running crusade against GamerGate. Earlier this year he was seen muttering to scattered crowds on the Red Stairs in New York's Times Square:
“I will face any employee of GamerGate on the game show of their choosing. Be that Celebrity Squares, the English darts-themed game show – Bullseye, in which contestants who live miles from the sea are given the opportunity to win a speedboat, or on the daytime show Eurowall, where couples must answer rapid-fire, general knowledge questions to earn hand and footholds on a Europe-shaped wall, that one of them must scale at the end of the show, in order to win a four-star weekend for two in Prague.”
Nathan Vogel - Deputy Estates Manager at the GamerGate Ltd HQ in Aberdeen - told MODE 5:
“Chu is a superman, in the DC comics mould, and we are all but powerless to stop him. The only hint of a weakness we have observed thus far is in an interview with CCN, where he claimed to have known nerdy male rapists and, on occasions, knew that something was going on, but didn't say anything because he didn't want to stick his neck out.
“We are working on the premise that, for Chu, nerdy rapists represent a kind of kryptonite. Even brief exposure to these reprehensible sex dweebs, and their feculent Spiderman underpants, renders him mute, allowing his opponents an opportunity to get a word in edgeways.
“We also hypothesise that proximity to nerdy rapists neutralises Chu's mutant ability to elongate his neck and peer around corners, like Reed Richards in The Fantastic Four. Robbing Chu of this talent will immeasurably improve the chances of one of our GamerGate assault teams entering his front-room cushion fort undetected.”
Vogel says that he now plans to scour the world's most notorious prisons for suitable candidates, who he will convince to participate in a suicide mission on Chu's lair before he can deploy the Overton Window:
“What I require for this raid are the kind of twisted dorks who recited the script of the classic Star Trek episode – The City on the Edge of Forever – as they loomed over their terrified victims.
“It is my intention to assemble a squad of 20th level degenerates, who critically fumbled their saving throws against perversity, and were rightfully incarcerated for their misdeeds in the basements of maximum security facilities, where they subsist on prison Doritos made from bread crumb sweepings and rat fur, baked on radiators, and seasoned with powdered drain cleaner.”
At the time of writing 'Captain' Arthur Chu was said to be partway through a round the world voyage and unreachable for comment. He has been observed seated inside a large cardboard box on the fringes of Central Park rowing with a pair of wooden spoons against an imaginary current.