Sunday, 18 October 2015

(SATIRE) London sock puppet convention passes without incident

Sock puppets from across London converged on a Finsbury Square bar last night for their annual South of England convention, and to celebrate the sock puppet New Year, which begins at 10pm on the 17th October.

The meeting also drew puppets from further afield - from the United States of America and even the north of the United Kingdom!

The puppets are so lifelike that it's easy to mistake them for people, rather than fabric tubes, guided by puppeteers who skilfully blend themselves into the background,” remarked one awestruck observer.

All the sock puppets were there,” enthused another: “There was wise feminist sock puppet, young journalist sock puppet, and the flamboyant sock puppet known as Milo who was celebrating his 12th birthday and was given a cake.”

The event took place under the threat of violence: In the past other sock puppet gatherings have been curtailed by bomb scares. Sock puppets living in Britain enjoy few rights and run the risk of being kidnapped and sold on the black market as mock Pokémon.

The day was marred only by the last minute withdrawal of The Guardian's Puppet Affairs Editor – Keith Stuart - from a panel discussion on whether sock puppetry was corrupting modern youth. The fleeing disgrace to modern journalism, who described the composition of the panel as “woefully unbalanced” later added:

The discussion panel should have included other types of puppet, such as marionettes, those ones that they control with sticks at the West Hampstead Water Puppet Theatre, and the goose puppet from the play - War Horse.”

The convention also drew criticism from the finger-wagging Feminist Frequency spokesperson – Anita Sockeesian, who describes herself as half-sock puppet:

Socks should not be fun. Socks are to be worn. Putting googly eyes on the toe part of a sock in 2015 is racist.”

The majority of sock puppets are amateurs who work day jobs as socks before reverting to their puppet form on evenings and non-working weekends.

In my role as a sock I am expected to remain silent and focus on providing a porous barrier between the sole of my employer's foot and the inside of their shoe,” said sock puppet, Mary Collins.

It's a demanding job with little opportunity for socialising. It was pleasant to meet with other sock puppets and discuss our shared life experiences.”

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