Wednesday, 28 October 2015

(SATIRE) Laughing witch regrets taunting thick-necked giant

A cackling old hag and her exasperated husband have issued a reluctant, mealy-mouthed apology to the giant they cursed.

The couple, who jointly run a small business refurbishing gingerbread cottages, objected to proclamations regarding the dubious activities of Princess Anita, that were bellowed across the kingdom by Thunderf00t - a giant who is described as having a neck as thick as Prince McIntosh, and whose heavy footsteps are believed, by the common peasant folk of the enchanted forest, to be the source of the cacophonous storms that flatten their straw houses every winter.

Speaking through the drifting tendrils of a soupy, pea-green mist that clouded the interior of a crystal ball, the foul wart-covered crone, said:

I am only too happy to give praise when it is deserved, and to build people up where I feel that it is appropriate to do so. Only last week I took part in a panel interview where I informed Macbeth that, subject to reference checks, he would very likely be promoted to the position of Thane of Cawdor in the very near future.

However when a royal subject casts aspersions 'pon Princess Anita - the fair usurper to the throne of this kingdom - and makes fun of her knuckle-brained, troll-like henchmen, then it's time to summon the flying monkeys.

I freely admit to writing to Thunderf00t's employers in the mysterious flying castle at the summit of the magic beanstalk that grows in Jack's garden, demanding that they give him the option of either ceasing in his nursery rhyme attacks upon our royal family, or face the prospect of being magically transformed into a lowly frog. I encouraged other witches to do likewise.”

Public reaction to the letter writing campaign, which was described by one commentator as “wicked”, and widely condemned, has resulted in a climb-down by the enchantress, who was said by work colleagues to be visibly reeling from the backlash against her:

In a public statement she said:

It appears that in publicising my mean-spirited campaign aimed at depriving a giant of his livelihood, I failed to take into account the 400,000 or so birds of the forest who, despite Thunderf00t's fearsome reputation and penchant for dining on entire flocks of sheep, sing sweetly into his ear as he dozes atop the gnawed bones of his casseroled enemies.

The birds have actually done a lot of damage to my husband's business, pecking away at the foundations of our gingerbread headquarters, rendering it both shabby and structurally unsound, and not a good advertisement for the services that we provide.

I am ready to admit that I was perhaps misguided in my actions and have possibly bitten off more than I can chew. At this moment in time I am no longer a laughing witch. I am literally weeping green caustic tears that dissolve all that they touch.”

Her husband - Jacob Broomstick - added:

Sometimes it's hard being married to a witch. Earlier this year some punk kids masquerading as tech support for an oven we recently purchased, convinced my wife to baste herself in butter and salt before climbing inside to check whether the pilot light was on. The incident was filmed on our crystal ball and widely distributed across the kingdom.

"In time I hope that this will settle down and we can all live happily ever after.”

Thunderf00t: A profile

"Hey, you forgot your dagger!"
Thunderf00t rose to prominence in the kingdom following his controversial claims to have dis-proven the existence of God. In an interview published by in The Göttingen Inquisitor, he told a reporter:

Standing, as I am so accustomed, at over 35 feet in height, I am tall enough to see into heaven and can confirm that, far from being the work of celestial beings, the city's silvery minuets are woven by a species of cloud-dwelling spider. The entire cobwebby edifice is reminiscent of a cover painting from a Michael Moorcock science-fantasy novel or the gate-fold sleeve artwork of a progressive rock album.”

As one of the more vocal giants in the kingdom, his insights into social and political issues, and proclivity for pulverising castle walls to fine powder, have caused him to be both admired and feared in equal measure by the populace.

Every winter, terrible storms flatten our simple straw dwellings...” One villager said.

...Our superstitious ancestors believed that these rumbles from the heavens and the accompanying high winds were generated by fearsome wolves who blew down our cottages, feasted upon our elderly loved ones, and then cavorted about in human clothing to satiate their sick sexual desires.

Thanks to recent advancements in science we have moved past these superstitions and have identified these extreme weather patterns as originating from the galumphing giant Thunderf00t, as he pursues tailors dressed in seven-league boots the length and breadth of the kingdom.”

In 2011 Thunderf00t triumphed in the 'Best One-Headed Giant in the 30-40 Foot Height Range' category at the Wunderhorn Miracle Powder Annual Giant Awards.

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