Saturday, 26 December 2015

2016 to be re-branded as 2015+

Student protesters who somehow passed the rigorous entrance examinations necessary to gain admittance to the west's finest colleges and universities, only to immediately piss away the opportunity, are demanding that the year 2016 be re-branded as 2015+.

Campus activist, Juliette Kozlow, told MODE 5:

I spent most of 2015 as part of a baying mob, who physically and verbally intimidated teachers and college administers over some sketchy bullshit, and disrupted classes that I probably should have attended. I DEMAND that 2016 be re-branded as 2015+ so that I can still graduate in 2017 and my parents won't freak. My grandparents will have to wait an additional year to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary, but that's a small price to pay for my future.

Since the new year will be an extension of the current one, I DEMAND that my tuition fees, along with any other costs incurred by my education over the coming 12 months, be waived, since I have already been billed for 2015. I WILL not be exploited.”

Many supporters of extending 2015, see it as a chance to get their lives back on track. Francis Lindon - an unemployed graduate of Lady Gaga Studies, said:

The deadline for my Kickstarter passed in 2014. By that time I had raised so much money from crowd funding that I could afford long foreign holidays and a more active social life, and so never got around to manufacturing 2000 Bluetooth ponchos that email your coffee order to the cafe of your choosing.

I am told that once a missed deadline passes the three year mark, Kickstarter sends crowd-funded bounty hunters after you, so I am keen to avoid that.”

Other rudderless twenty-somethings, with meaningless degrees, regard the delay to the start of 2016 as a means of stalling their inevitable entry into the world of perpetual minimum wage employment:

Feckless layabout, Connie Allard said:

There is a new generation of self-entitled brats - even more thin-skinned, whiny and fixed in their opinions than I am - who are stealing focus from my Patreon, which is currently my sole source of income and is evaporating faster than a puddle in the Sahara. If things carry on like this I may end up working in a coffee shop, putting together orders that have been emailed to me from Bluetooth ponchos.”

Support for 2015+ is less prevalent among the over 30s, like Professor Albert Derby Jnr, who, earlier this year, was trapped in his car for several hours by a group of protesters, many of whom were his students. He told MODE 5:

These bone idle fuckwits are encamped in the foothills of a treacherously steep grading curve and have no head for heights. My advice to them is: Stay crouched down below eye level. When I turn my back you may quietly leave.”

Despite resistance from older generations, 2015+ Campaign Organiser - Jonita Pennymarx  - defends the proposed calender change as one that will be of long-term benefit to society:

We simply want to ensure that, 2016, when it does arrive, is a friendlier and more inclusive year than 2015. We are not not here to take 2016 away from you. Our plan is to gradually phase-in 2016, with early entry to the new year being granted to under privileged minorities.”

Under questioning from our reporter, Pennymarx admitted that, contrary to her earlier statement that everybody would eventually be included in 2016, straight, white, cis gendered males would not be permitted to leave 2015:

If you fall into that demographic then you've come far enough. The ride for you is over and 2015+ is the cut-off point.”

Royce Brett – a calender manufacturer and critic of the 'it's the current year' movement remains doubtful that Pennymarx and her staff can make the transition from 2015+ to 2016 within 12 months:

The way these progressive types are with deadlines I can see it being the year 2015 for the foreseeable future,” he said.

However the move has been welcomed by big business. Ben Hackett CEO of _____________ Corp, said:

I don't know who to thank first. I guess the parents of millennials for raising a generation of glass-jawed, cowering pushovers, whose principles can be bought for the price of an iPhone and a coffee shop with free Wi-Fi.

I would also like to thank whoever it was who sold micro-aggressions as something worth protesting. While your student union was sombrely debating whether jazz hands should replace clapping, and the threat posed by allowing Germaine Greer to speak at your university, we were brazenly plundering public funds while paying less tax than our lowest paid worker

Hackett added:

For a generation who thinks that rape culture is a thing, you sure don't seem to mind our company, and others like it, dry fucking you in the arse.” 

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