Tuesday, 15 December 2015
(SATIRE) Social Justice blogger confirms that it's 2015
A 'famous on the internet' blogger and public speaker, allied to the cause of social justice, has confirmed that the year is 2015.
In a panel debate focusing on the issue of harassment in online gaming, Moist Cake Media staff writer, Jonah Hilde, passionately argued: “It's 2015 people!”
Hilde's statement was greeted with applause from the audience and appreciative head nodding on both sides of the panel.
Professor of Ethics, Michael Simms, who was speaking for the opposition, said:
“Hilde's logic is flawless. According to the Gregorian calendar, which is, at present, our best measure of what year it is, we can state with a high degree of confidence that the year is indeed 2015. I am in full agreement with my opponent and can proffer no reliable counter argument, beyond idle speculation that we are all under the influence of powerful mind control tailored to distort our perception of time.”
Hilde supported his initial statement with copies of newspapers purchased on the day of the debate, and with the calender on his iPhone which he showed to members of the audience, asking that they corroborate the date on their own phones and internet compatible devices.
One audience member, who approached our reporter after the debate, breathlessly commented:
“Jonah had the courage to stand up and say what we have all been thinking every time we write down the date: The year is 2015. We, as a people, are present in 2015. We are here in this moment in time, which is the year 2015, just like we were in the year 2014, when the year was 2014. Just like we will be next year, when it will be 2016.”
Frank Essen, organiser of The Battle of Five Ideas event, where the debate took place, noted that, by some freak coincidence, 2015 was the exact number of people crowded into the packed auditorium at the time Hilde put forward his decisive argument.
“Whether Hilde made a lucky guess, or is some kind of idiot savant who can count really fast in his head is open to discussion, but he was right on the money,” he said.
A spokesperson for the Ministry of Clocks, Diaries and After-School Clubs, told MODE 5:
“As of today (15th December) the year is 2015AD. According to our current forecasts it will remain 2015 for a further 18 days, at which point we will likely transition to 2016.”
At the time of going to press the year 2016 was scheduled to begin on January 1st 2016. Although the exact time of the transition has been kept a closely-guarded secret for reasons of security, government sources have told MODE 5 that it will most likely occur at around midnight on December 31st, 2015.