Wednesday, 30 December 2015

(SATIRE) Shaun King's missing tweets uncovered in mass grave

70,000 tweets that disappeared overnight from a Twitter account belonging to the New York Daily News soapbox correspondent, Shaun King, have been found buried in a mass grave close to the activist's home.

Officers from the U.S. Department of Sheriffs were called to the scene following the grisly discovery by a lone Twitter user, who had been searching for Vanilla Ice lyrics in an isolated corner of the website.

Chief Sheriff, Colt Ruger, who is leading the investigation, said:

I can confirm the discovery of a mass grave containing what appears to be a large number of deleted tweets. As of this morning, I can confirm that the tweets in question appear to be those reported missing from an account belonging to New York Daily News reporter, Shaun King, on the 7th of December, 2015.

My prayers, and those of my department, are with the surviving friends and family members at this difficult time.

In addition to the mass grave we have also discovered a separate cache of weaponised tweets, that make reference to the ownership of concealed firearms and hollow point bullets. These tweets could have very easily been used, by a poorly-endowed male, to convince himself that he was in possession of a penis with the veiny girth of a Coca Cola can, capable of reaching a length in excess of 10 inches while fully erect.

We believe that the discovery of the weapons cache and the grave in such close proximity is not incidental and are treating the two discoveries as connected.”

Asked for details regarding the number of tweets that had been uncovered, Ruger responded:

Though an exact figure is not currently available, I am informed that the number is likely to be in the tens of thousands.”

He added:

King is not under arrest and we are keeping an open mind in regard to circumstances and possible motive.”

Tweets belonging to King - a caucasian black man, who was recently ex-communicated by members of the protest group Black Lives Matter, amidst concerns over mismanagement of funds – began to disappear from his Twitter account on the 7th December of this current year.

Concerned Twitter users were assured by King that the tweets had been adopted into good homes in over 150 countries. However, when attempts to make contact with the missing tweets failed, many began to fear the worse and the authorities were contacted.

There is a culture of silence and fear,” said one anonymous Twitter user.

Publicly speaking out about these mass disappearances on Twitter carries the risk of your account being suspended.”

Usually account suspensions can only be overturned by providing Twitter with a personal phone number, leaving users exposed to the prospect of being drunk-dialed by site moderators. In extreme cases, users have been asked to demonstrate their loyalty to Twitter by executing their offending tweet in cold blood.

In an attempt to muscle-in on the public appetite for long-form, true crime reportage, stirred-up by the first season of Serial, a reporter for MODE5 visited the desolate tract of online brushland where the mass grave was uncovered. They later described the area as:

A godforsaken data swamp, where the partially decomposed lyrics of Rosta Man – a best forgotten attempt by the rapper Vanilla Ice to approximate a Jamaican accent are plainly visible, poking up from the inundated soil, and where the plaintive chorus of Canadian wigger - Snow's - solitary top 40 hit - Informer – is carried mournfully on the howling wind.

The discovery of the grave is likely to further exacerbate racial tensions between groups protesting institutionalised racism, and law enforcement, with fringe protest groups already laying the blame for the deleted tweets with the police.

Ruger said “The public may rest assured that whoever is ultimately responsible for this heinous crime will face justice. In the meantime let's not go crazy.”

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