Thursday, 24 December 2015
(SATIRE) MODE 5 Christmas Day edition: A festive ceasefire between GamerGaters and SJWs is shattered by a blue turtle shell / Josh McIntosh receives the problematic gift of coal / Conservative popinjay, Milo Yiannopoulos, bemoans the institutionalised misandry that shapes Santa's naughty list.
GamerGate / SJW Christmas Day ceasefire is shattered by blue turtle shell
Christmas morning: Forces allied to GamerGate and the opposing People's Militia for Social Justice (PMSJ) temporarily ceased hostilities and abandoned their heavily fortified positions to rendezvous in no-man's land for a lively game of Mario Kart 8 on the Nintendo Wii U.
Figures from both sides loomed towards each other in the fog, on a battlefield strewn with dismembered careers, deactivated Twitter accounts, and incomplete, long over-due crowdfunded games, meeting face-to-face for the first time in the festive spirit of friendship and reconciliation. Calls of “Shitlord!” and “Crybully!” that only hours before had been spat from mouths with genuine vitriol, were re-purposed as gently mocking terms of endearment, as once bitter enemies embraced as brothers, sisters and (insert the pseudo-identity of your choice here: ________________________________________ ).
Steve Watson – a Lieutenant in the Queen's 12th Menemist Brigade, who took part in the Mario Kart tournament, said:
“The game was less triggering than I had initially thought it would be, although the racing physics are clearly skewed in favour of cis-gendered, white, heterosexual males like myself. Also I did not appreciate the joypad controls being mansplained to me.”
Away from the frenetic virtual go-karting, the mood grew philosophical as combatants on both sides ruefully took note of the common ground they shared with their enemy:
“We two are not so different...” mused Emmaline Kaufman, a student protestor from Oberlin College. “...Me – a Social Justice Shield Maiden - with my blue mohawk, my mattress shield that I carry everywhere like a Spartan warrior, my small income funded entirely from donations to my Patreon account, and my self-diagnosed, made-up neuroses which are slowly congealing into a serious mental illness that will negatively define the latter decades of my life. And you – a GamerGater - with your rational arguments, stylish and sensible clothing, stable career in one of the STEM fields, and sophisticated bearing that gives you an air of understated worldliness and confidence.”
Gamergaters were quick to apologise for behaviour that had been labelled by their battlefield opponents as violent and sexually aggressive war crimes.
Colonel Alan Cooper told SJW sniper Darla Lamb:
“Now see here, old girl. Dashed sorry and all that if it looked like I was stare raping you earlier when I was scouting out your position. Orders from the top I'm afraid.”
Lamb, who had taken to Twitter to complain at length that she had been forcibly penetrated by Cooper's male gaze, bolstered by a pair of binoculars or “rape glasses”, graciously acquiesced:
“Deep down I knew that Colonel Cooper wasn't eyeing me as anything other than an enemy soldier to be dispatched from the battlefield at the earliest opportunity. All that concerned him was the head shot. He cared nothing for my provocatively exposed breasts and vagina.”
The ceasefire ended abruptly when a blue turtle shell was hurled into the crowd by an unknown party, scattering GamerGaters and SJWs across the battlefield, and provoking a hasty retreat by both sides to their previously held positions.
In the aftermath soldiers in both camps have pointed the finger of blame at their opponents, with each claiming that, when the attack took place, they were in the lead of a decisive Mario Kart race that would have determined, once and for all, the identity of the Eternal Emperor of Christmas.
Rebeka Polin – a private in the Progressive Reserves - who was caught in the blast, said:
“I looked up and saw death bearing down upon me on ragged black wings, its protective shell a weaponised safe space, bluer than the dyed fur of Randi Harper's dog, and bristling with horns that, from a distance, resembled bone carvings of erect penises. I will be writing to the commanding officers of Gamergate demanding that the troops who perpetrated this cowardly attack are dishonourably discharged at once.”
A spokesperson for GamerGate responded: “We are the true and deserved winners of the Mario Kart 2015 festive trophy and the rightful Emperors of Christmas. If the SJWs fall back on their usual dirty tactic of writing to our employers in an attempt to get us fired, we will retaliate in the most aggressive manner available to us: By meticulously dissecting and analysing their letters of complaint, sentence by sentence, during a rambling 8-hour live stream that will be watched by 12 people.
UN observer Lars Wuenschell said:
“Those who are allied to GamerGate say that their ideological opposites cannot function in a meritocracy. Those on the progressive side accuse their opponents of being white, cis-gendered fuckboys. Both sides make valid points.
“I feel that, in this case, neither one is to blame. There is a small community of trolls living underneath a bridge close to the battlefield who I think may have been responsible for throwing the turtle shell. I have written a report on the matter and have saved it to the C drive of my computer. I will email the link to you.”
Josh McIntosh: Lump of coal in Christmas stocking for the 11th year running is problematic
Feminist Frequency svengali, Josh McIntosh, has received a lump of coal in his Christmas stocking for the 11th year running.
The fist-sized nugget of fossilised carbon, which geologists believe was extracted from the Haerwusu Coal Mine, in the Inner Mongolia Autonomous Region of China, was inserted into a yellow, cross-gartered stocking, found hanging from a small hook at the foot of McIntosh's bed.
Christmas experts say that McIntosh, who is regarded as a key figure on the authoritarian left, last received a proper festive gift in December 2004, when a deputised mall Santa presented him with a tangerine and a Bratz dolls flashback set.
Although the contents of Santa Prime's naughty list are not made public, it is widely believed that McIntosh's name was added following a letter that he wrote to the red-suited Christmas patriarch early in 2005, in which he denounced the Bratz trademark as a socially regressive sexual assault on the hard won achievements of third-wave feminism.
Petra Coleman – a retired elf who now runs a wrapping paper recycling business in Pitsea – said:
“Once you get on the wrong side of Santa, you are pretty much dead to him. He won't come after you or anything like that, but let me put it this way: If you were on fire he would wait until you were dead before pissing on the flames.”
Earlier this morning an aggrieved McIntosh took to various online social media platforms to condemn the gift, but saved his harshest words for his Tumblr blog:
“I make a point of not hanging up a stocking on Christmas Eve, as I have no desire to engage with the patriarchal figure of Santa Claus, whose blotchy, corpulent body is so steeped in toxic hyper-masculinity that no amount of cinnamon and cloves can conceal the repellent odour.
“It appears that contrary to my wishes, on the night of December 24th, Santa Claus entered my home by stealth and drilled a tiny hole in my bedstead, into which he inserted a brass hook, upon which he hung one of my best stockings. As a final disrespectful act he inserted a lump of a coal, that he had previously wrapped in festive paper and tied with a ribbon bow, into the toe of the stocking for me to find on Christmas morning.”
McIntosh, who suffers from a rare condition that leaves him incapable of expressing glad tidings of comfort and joy, continued:
“It is not just the identity of the gift-giver that I find problematic. It's the nature of the gift itself: Coal mining is a male-dominated profession that has doggedly refused to accept the innovation and advice offered by Twitter feminists from the faraway comfort of the nearest coffee shop with free wi-fi.
“Furthermore, in an era of global warming, where coal is considered to be among the worst pollutants, and where we should be encouraging nations and individuals alike to reduce their over-reliance on our diminishing supplies of fossil fuel, one lump of coal, per naughty person, per year, adds up to millions of tons being needlessly mined at the expense of the environment.
“My colleague Anita [Anita Sarkeesian runs Feminist Frequency with McIntosh] has suggested that I send the coal to a Swedish company who will expose the nugget to pressures high enough to transform it into a cultured diamond, which I should then give to her.
“Unfortunately I have unable to the reliably establish the provenance of my lump of coal and am completely in the dark in regard to whether it was mined ethically. I could very easily be party to the transformation of a piece of blood coal into a blood diamond, which is worse because diamonds are more valuable.
“I am also uncomfortable with the tradition of men giving diamonds to women as a means of purchasing their lifelong servitude.”
“When I raised these concerns with Anita, she assured me that, on this occasion, she had absolutely no problem with any of it, and that I should give her the diamond, or its equivalent value in newly-minted, non-consecutive dollar bills at my earliest opportunity, so she can travel to Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills and spend the money on helping victims of online harassment.”
Santa's list has become a popular target for criticism by commentators from across the political spectrum. Breitbart media popinjay, Milo Yiannopoulos, who, according to sources close to MODE 5, has recently been linked to a lucrative new position as Buzzfeed Social Justice Editor, cites the compilation of the naughty list as one of “the great untold scandals of our modern era:”
“In recent years, the criteria used to determine who has been naughty over the previous 12 months has noticeably shifted in favour of girls. According to figures released by Santa in early 2015, 90% of the names on the list belonged to boys, all of whom received coal, while girls were gifted ponies and Apple products.
“Santa has fallen prey to a vicious streak of institutionalised misandry that has taken root in our culture. He is guilty of holding boys to the same behaviour standards as girls, while failing to take into account the rambunctious nature of the male gender.”
Commenting on McIntosh's unwanted gift of coal, Yiannopoulos said:
“Naturally I would be delighted if Santa chose to give me something hard and black, although frankly anything that will fit comfortably into a stocking will be of little practical use. If Santa would like leave me something big and black on my bed, or, if not there, then bent over one of the soft furnishings, or perhaps waiting for me in the shower...”
At this point the journalist made his apologies and left in a hurry, remarking that there was something that he needed to urgently check on at home...”
Santa Claus claims that the problem with the naughty list is rooted in an inflated and undeserved sense of self-entitlement that has distorted public expectations of what they can reasonably expect at Christmas:
“Not so long ago the letters I received were almost exclusively from children who would typically send me over-optimistic lists of toys that they wanted. I would also get the odd saucy Polaroid from a lonely housewife, often wrapped up in a pair of knickers.
“These days I find myself overwhelmed by correspondence from the likes of Zoe Quinn and her dreadful friends, providing me with the names of people who they demand be added to the naughty list without the usual due process. These people are always demanding things, or trying to wheedle their way in through the back door; they never ask politely.
“Then there is Brianna Wu who appeared on MSNBC yesterday claiming to have fled her home in terror after she was told that I know where she lives and whether she has been naughty or nice. For the record Brianna, your conduct this year has been appalling.
“It's a tough gig being Santa. I am seriously considering following Tim Hunt to Japan.”
A MODE 5 reporter, who approached Feminist Frequency spokesperson Anita Sarkeesian for comment, caught her in the act of deleting records of a visit to SendMeSomeCoalRightNow.com from her internet browser.
“Josh is okay, in a sanctimonious older brother kind of way,” she confided.
“Sometimes it's just fun to fuck with his head.”