Saturday, 2 May 2015

(SATIRE) “IT ENDS TONIGHT!”: World's most formidable man calls time on Gamergate

In the panel of a comic book, stretched across two pages, costumed superhero, Arthur Man - his tight cowl streaked with torrential rain and his indomitable stubbled chin raised defiantly to the heavens - bellowed “IT ENDS TONIGHT!” into a darkened sky rent asunder by fork lightning.

It was the dramatic finale to the eponymously-titled comic book series 'Arthur Man' - A creator-owned graphic novel that has been published daily in the adolescent, Walter Mitty-esque imagination of the columnist and former game show contestant, Arthur Chu.

Following his dramatic announcement, Chu was witnessed in his mind's eye, framed in a series of overlapping panels locked in hand-to-hand combat with multiple adversaries, prior to facing-off against and defeating the simpering leader of Gamergate. In a previous issue of Chu's mind-comic, the hero's arch-nemesis had been pictured hijacking the world aluminium supply with the intention of using the stolen metal to construct for himself an ornate, tinfoil hat. In his final appearance the self-ascribed Sultan of Sexism in Videogaming is portrayed cowering pitifully beneath the statuesque silhouette of Chu, begging for mercy; the shadow of Chu's dripping muscle-bound fist raised in anger indicating to the reader that the conquered villain will receive none.

Subsequent panels show Chu being thanked by President Nixon for liberating the hijacked aluminium supply and for freeing the world from the tyranny of the patriarchy. The final frame depicts Chu standing at the vanguard of a 'Social Justice League' comprising Anita Sarkeesian, Zoe Quinn and Brianna Wu, among others, while the spirits of Gandhi, Rosa Parks, Abraham Lincoln and Spiderman kneel in deference at his feet.

Commenting on the conclusion of the graphic novel, Arthur Chu said:

I am pleased that I allowed myself the full creative control necessary to fully realise my vision. While the stories I have told may be entertaining on some superficial level, I see my writing and artwork primarily as a teaching tool used to convey the lessons that will bring about a new world order – one that is made in my image.

Using powerful meditative techniques that I picked-up through multiple viewings of Batman Begins, I am able to use my mind as a gateway through which my innermost thoughts radiate outward like ripples awakening the supporters of Gamergate from their delusionary states of mind and ridding the world of this great wickedness that threatens to consume it.”

Following Chu's statement reports have begun to flood-in world-wide of Gamergate supporters suddenly coming to a complete standstill, rubbing their eyes, and blinking in disbelief at their surroundings, as if roused from a deep and terrible nightmare.

I ate some three-day old pizza that I found on the floor of my filthy basement man-cave and was taken on a vision quest!” confessed avid gamer, Graham Volemoan (43) from his hospital bed, where he is being treated for the effects of drowning, hypothermia, and multiple animal bites.

In my vision Arthur Chu's salty tears fell upon me like cleansing desert rain. The saline waters nourished me, healing the cracks in my parched soul. I understood then that Gamergate is naught but an illusion - a period of darkness through which one must transition in order to achieve true enlightenment. I realise now that I am not the CIS white male that others perceive, but am in fact sea lion otherkin. In my vision Chu instructed me thus: 'Go unto the ocean where my salty tears will sustain you.' And I did according to his bidding and for a time did swim alongside the sea lions and was later rescued by the coastguard.”

Meanwhile, in the sleepy Somerset village of Ordinary Sullivan, local vicar Clive Peel announced to the assembled congregation at his Sunday morning service:

Like Jacob I also had a vivid dream. There wasn't a ladder in it, although I think at one point there was a stripper pole or maybe a fireman's pole.

In my dream I was a handsome gay man called Milo. By day I plied my trade as a journalist writing mostly on libertarian issues. By night I thrust myself headlong into a world of exquisite sensual pleasures that are experienced by but a few. If I may say so, I was quite the dashing man about town.

It came as quite a jolt when I awakened to discover that I am a man of the cloth who paints bible scenes onto car hubcaps that are used as prizes in the church raffle.

If the congregation will now rise we will sing hymn number 43, My Faith Is Like An Oaken Staff.”

Several thousand miles away, across the Atlantic, Independent Trucker, Larry Carrotthump stared disconsolately into a cup of cold black coffee resting on the counter of an Illinois highway diner, the silty black liquid trembling to the vibrations of the passing traffic:

As I slept last night I honestly believed that I was feminist who desired, above all things, true equality between the sexes. My name was Christina H. Sommers. I was witty, erudite, and effervescent with just a hint of intellectualised sass. I was all about winning people over with facts and good natured debate.

I awoke this morning in the cab of my truck, midway through hauling a consignment of tree trunks to Kansas. These rampant wooden phalli are to be pile-driven into the un-consenting, yet yielding soil of mother earth where they will be used as totem poles for teen summer camps.”

Back in the UK, bleary-eyed Kensington-based socialite, Humphrey Maidenstone III, was slowly reconciling with his true identity, following what he described as a period of “demonic possession, following some late-night arsing around with Ouija board”:

I can now readily admit that Sargon of Akkad is not my real name. Rather it is an etheric parasite from the infernal plane that latched on to me - something that clawed its way into my life from a fever dream and thereafter took occupancy of my soul.

I finally awoke from my stupor in the shower this morning, where I had apparently been lost in thought. With me was the actor Patrick Duffy who played Bobby Ewing in the hit TV soap Dallas. Rising like the morning sun above my tramp-stamp was a freshly healing tattoo depicting the world teacher Josh McIntosh cradling a newborn lamb in his arms.”

The man who once insisted that his surname was 'of Akkad' and consequently had several of his credit cards cancelled by the bank, continued:

The prize for guessing correctly is $2000.

The answer is: Arthur Chu.

The question is: What is Arthur Chu?

The conclusion: All is Chu.”

Amidst the growing the consensus that Gamergate is over and done, some voices of dissent still linger. Internet aficionado, Voice_of_raison_de_etre_>9000 said:

I'm just going to come right out with it: Gamergate didn't end because that odious motorway pile-up of god-only-knows what unresolved issues, Arthur Chu, says that it did.

Milo, for heavens sake, you are not a vicar. Stop using Chu's amateur pick-up artist-level mind control as an excuse for wearing a cassock and engaging in homoerotic church-themed cosplay. There is serious work to be done.

Christina Sommers: You are not an independent trucker called Larry, hauling a cargo of metaphorical penises across the great American heartland. Dispel that notion from your mind this instant.

Sargon: Okay I will allow the possibility that your real name may differ from your internet identity. But do you really believe for one moment that you are a high priest in the sacred order of Chu. Tear off your turquoise robes and put your chain-mail back on. We need you on the battlefield soldier.

Also, nobody here is actually a sea lion, with the exception of Mike – a sea lion at the Whent Ocean Life Academy, who has been taught sign language by his keepers and who has expressed an enthusiastic allegiance with Gamergate.

While the hashtag #ItEndsTonight is true in the narrowest sense, what is also equally true is the hashtag #WeWillReconveneAtASociallyAccetpableHourTomorrowAndEverydayHenceforthUntilWeHaveDealtWithThisNonsense ”

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