Thursday, 7 May 2015

Guardian newspaper warns of impending 'War of the Worlds'

The last thing we need is to wake up in 50 years and find that a bunch of #gamergate nobheads are running Mars” - Martin Robbins, The Guardian (6th May 2015)

Rocket Technicians sympathetic to the Gamergate cause are winning the space race and may put a videogamer on the surface of Mars by 2065, according to fears voiced in The Guardian newspaper.

The warning comes as the yoghurt-weaving hipster journalists of Kings Place, London, continue to grapple with the task of designing a 'non-triggering' rocket that doesn't resemble a giant metal phallus.

Earlier this year Guardian Space Editor – Peter 'Space Guardian' Bishop talked to MODE 5 about a long-term commitment by the paper to remove from star charts “problematic” planets, that contain high proportions of the so-called misogynist group of chemical elements.

Discussing the progress of The Guardian's space program he said:

In our design ethic we have chosen to lay to one side concerns over the aerodynamics and fuel efficiency. What we are trying to avoid is sending something that resembles an enormous penis blasting through a ragged hole in Earth's upper atmosphere. The last thing any of us want is for film of the launch to be included in a comedy montage featuring stock footage of nodding oil pump jacks, trains disappearing into tunnels and other similar images that collectively imply sexual intercourse.”

Asked to comment on The Guardian's pledge to beat Gamergate to Mars, he added:

Ever since the location of Mars was determined by astronomers and the coordinates for the red planet illegally published in books and online, Martians been subjected to an ongoing campaign of stalking and harassment. In the past this has been confined to being leered at through expensive space telescopes. The advent of the Gamergate space program seems poised to take this harassment to a face-to-face level and that is unacceptable.

We at The Guardian have chosen to demonstrate our solidarity for the Martian people by drawing pictures of rockets and forwarding our sketches to an approved list of scientists and engineers who have all promised never to wear shirts that offend the shrill vocal minority of social justice advocates and cultural Marxists. Our hope is that, upon receiving our designs, these highly-skilled individuals will build our space craft for us for no financial renumeration.

Naturally, as social commentators, our preferred course of action would be to simply shame all those involved in the Gamergate Space Initiative into giving up on their dream of Mars colonization and slinking back home with their tails between their legs.”

Despite Bishop's hopes, the momentum of the Gamergate space program shows no signs of abating. Mission control is not confined to one location. Rather it comprises a loose-knit, geographically-scattered array of internet compatible devices – a combination of PCs, gaming consoles, mobile phones and E-readers, along with a few obsolete throwbacks such the Mircosoft Zune, and at least three re-purposed Game & Watch LCD hand-helds. There is no overall mission coordinator and the countdown to the launch is occasionally paused to allow time for the acknowledgement of the appearance of double figures or 'dubs'.

Colt Gordon - Grandson of the late Flash Gordon – spoke to MODE 5 about the origins of the program:

As a joke, somebody started a board on 8chan called The Gamergate Space Exlporation Initiative. It turns out that a lot of people there have physics or maths or engineering degrees. Before anyone was really aware of what was going on we had a fully-fledged space program was under way.

There were a few early setbacks - the board admin's girlfriend had SJW tendencies and got butt hurt over something so we had to set up a new board. Plus there were a few hours when everybody stopped focusing on the Mars mission and started posting images of sea lions.

Despite these detours, eight hours after we began we had completed designs for three rocket prototypes and a terraforming module, and had raised most of the funding for our Mars mission. Tomorrow we are thinking about curing cancer, or we might just kick back and reminisce about Street Fighter II."

The rapid progress of the Gamergate space mission has sent alarm bells ringing in the social justice community with many voicing concerns about a Gamergate colonisation of Mars occurring within their grand-children's lifetimes:

Harriet Gwyneth Wells first developed an interest in astronomy after she was required to wear a neck brace for medical reasons and walk around with her head tilted upwards for most of 2009. She now manages Skywatchers for Social Justice - a non-profit organisation that advises Twitter on invading alien races who may have misogynist tendencies. Dressed in a plaid shirt and sitting cross-legged beneath the stuffed and mounted head of E.T., Wells outlined what she regards as escalating patterns of victimization directed at Mars by Earth-based videogaming culture:

No one would have believed in the early years of the 21st century that Mars was being watched keenly and closely by beings with Super Mario Bros high scores greater than any achieved by the Martians themselves; that as the green-skinned women of Mars busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinised and studied through the lecherous prism of the male gaze, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a pair of high-powered binoculars might scrutinise a group of women changing in and out of their swimming costumes on a deserted beach.

At most Martians fancied there might be men upon Earth, perhaps inferior to themselves and ready to welcome one-off sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation in exchange for a lifetime of brow-beaten servitude. Yet across the gulf of space, stunted intellects, dim and socially inept and liberally stained orange with Doritos seasoning, regarded Mars with lustful eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans.”

While Wells stands in firm opposition to the Gamergate conquest of Mars, others in the social Justice Community have confessed to having mixed feelings:

Claire Wowser – a lobbyist for the UK South-East chapter of Send Gamergaters Offworld said:

While I welcome the news that Gamergate plans to eventually leave Earth of their own volition, this does present me with the inconvenience of finding somebody else to blame all my problems on. I also worry that supporters of Gamergate, once out of Earth's orbit, will no longer be able to clearly hear me complaining loudly about how their private activities infringe upon the many supplementary human rights I have bestowed upon myself.”

The mooted off-world exodus may also have unintended consequences for society, according to Martin Bishop of The Guardian:

We can assume that any departing Gamergate colony vessel will take with it a great swathe of the moderate and libertarian left wing. While that's great in the sense that it will allow us to drop any further pretence of being a newspaper and focus our attentions exclusively on producing outraged clickbait, I do wonder what effect this mass migration will have upon the price of a four-bedroom town house in up-and-coming Hastings. Also, who is going to make me my Soy latte?”

Martian reaction to the impending arrival of Gamers from Earth has been more measured. One inhabitant of the red planet who we met holidaying in London said:

If I believed what I read in The Guardian I'd think that all Gamergate supporters have penises where their heads should be. Fortunately I am not an idiot. All the gamers I have spoken to seem like normal guys and gals. Thank the star gods that none of them have blue hair as on Mars we find that terribly offensive.”

When questioned about what he might do on a hypothetical visit to Mars, Gamer, Jason Metzer said:

"Probably just play the new GTA. If the weather was good I might drive out and visit the grave of the three-breasted mutant from the film Total Recall - she was my great aunt so it would be good to pay my respects in person. If there's time I might go and get my photo taken on the spot where Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rachel Ticotin were sucked out of a bio-dome and into the cruel unforgiving Martian landscape where they almost suffocated.”

As the debate on Mars colonisation rages, and those on either side prepare the vessels that will transport their supporters to the red planet maybe the last word should go to noted technocrat and space-travel visionary Alfa Magnuson.

Addressing the ailing Guardian space program, he said:

The closest you will ever come to ascending into the heavens will be to stand atop the summits of the molehills you have bulldozed into mountains. Even at those high altitudes the rarefied air will muddle your already impaired judgement, while your self-obsession will anchor your ambitions firmly to the ground. Humankind's destiny may well lie within the stars, however I predict that the small-minded, joyless, socially-regressive subset, to which you have allied yourselves, will never leave this world.”

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