Thursday, 21 May 2015

(SATIRE) McIntosh tormented by privileged white male in mirror

TRIGGER WARNING: A Play Doh version of this post is available for those who are easily offended


Vocal critic of Gamergate and one true Scotsman, Josh McIntosh, has revealed that he is tormented by a privileged white male who silently stalks him through reflective surfaces.

The pan-dimensional entity has been described to the FBI by McIntosh as “a stereotypical white masculine construct exemplifying the dominant patriarchal system.”

Speaking about his experience of being stalked, McIntosh said:

For as long as I can remember an embodiment of the white male supremacy trope has dogged my footsteps. I may occasionally lose him in a crowd but he always finds me.”

Ask whether the mirror-dweller had ever directly threatened or attempted to harm him, McIntosh responded:

By occupying a space in my eye-line that could be more appropriately filled by a less privileged archetype - a woman, an ethnic minority, or somebody who thinks they are an Angelfish trapped in a human body - my stalker has made himself an active participant in the exclusion of genders, races, and minorities, and the silencing of their voices.

The very fact that he has chosen to stalk me as opposed to a poor woman of colour marks his actions as both sexist and racist.”

Speculating on the possible origins of his tormentor, McIntosh said:

Occasionally I will see him wearing clothing with backwards writing on it, or carrying literature phrased in what appears the Cyrillic alphabet. This leads me to believe that he may be Russian.”

He added:

I was horrified on one occasion when I caught sight of my work colleague, Anita Sarkeesian, standing behind this man, having apparently been kidnapped by him.

Despite my concerns for Anita's safety and well-being, I knew that she would not want me to engage in the damsel in distress trope by attempting to rescue her. Having turned my back on the mirror, with the intention of walking away, I was heartened to discover that Anita had already escaped the clutches of her captor requiring no help from either myself or Mario.

After this I don't see how anybody can say that Gamergate is not a violent hate group that targets women.”

Asked whether he had ever been tempted to confront his stalker, McIntosh replied:

I will not conform to the masculine trope of employing violence as a means to an end; not while Orwellian behaviour modification remains an option.

At first I attempted to create divergent paths for my stalker's masculinity with the addition of further mirrors. Unfortunately this resulted in a toxic replication of an undesirable stereotype, leading to what I would describe as a dangerous hyper-masculinity.”

McIntosh added that, in an attempt to bring matters to a non-violent ending, he had studied at length the lyrics to the Michael Jackson hit 'Man in the Mirror' but had so-far reached no firm conclusions.

Jeff Lintman – a barista at the Flat White Knights Coffee Emporium in San Francisco said:

While I broadly agree with Josh's outlook on things, he is the only person I know who will routinely drop the word 'hegemony' into a drinks order. It is for this reason alone that I hope his mirror-bound nemesis finds a way of dragging him through the looking glass and imprisoning him in an alternate dimension forever.”

Some kid called Kyle Reese who hangs around outside MODE 5's California offices said:

My mother told me that if you say Josh McIntosh's name three times in front of a mirror, he will appear in the room and lecture you on why all your Star Wars action figures are racist and why Boba Fett's Mandalorian battle armour oppresses women.”

Reese added:

It's tough finding the money to buy Star Wars figures when you're a 7 year old kid being forced to pay alimony to a girl who has given birth to a son fathered by your future self. Actually I'm not supposed to talk about any of this on account of the gagging order.”

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