Monday, 25 May 2015

(SATIRE) Further delays to Feminist Frequency video series caused by failure to complete misogynist text adventure, '8chan'

TRIGGER WARNING: The following article is subject to Rule 34 in the United Kingdom, under the Provision of Fap-worthy Material Act 1988. If you are viewing this page from outside the UK please refer to local laws and statutes for guidance.


Delays to a popular series of short films exploring the role of sexism in the evolution of videogames, are the result of the producer's failure to complete a popular misogynist text adventure called 8chan.

When Feminist Frequency's Tropes vs Women in Videogames series first blazed onto the internet in 2013, it was hailed by critics and audiences alike as a natural heir to much-loved television staples such as The Wire and Saved by the Bell: The College Years. The show rapidly gained a cult following, however lengthy gaps between new episodes have left ardent fans literally foaming at the mouth in anticipation.

A spokesperson-kin (literally a spokesperson born into the body of a woman) for Feminist Frequency initially refused to speak to MODE 5, informing us that we had been blocked from all communication for reasons that they were unable to disclose. After our reporter had wandered round the corner, removed any identifying credentials, and returned for comment, the spokesperson told him:

I can confirm that the current delays affecting production of our popular Tropes vs Women in Videogames web-based serialette are a result of our struggle to make progress in a videogame titled 8chan, and a failure to identify the negative tropes within this game that will form a framework for the upcoming episode.

Furthermore, we have struggled to find in-game footage of 8chan on YouTube that we can use in our upcoming video and this has added to the delays .”

They continued:

8chan is a fiendishly difficult misogynist text adventure. It is an early title in the popular chan saga and has retained its popularity despite sequels now numbering in the hundreds.

Players begin the game as an anonymous 'newfag', stripped of any identifying characteristics that might determine their level of privilege. The purpose of the game is to reclaim your lost identity. To achieve this goal a player must travel through lands (or boards as they are referred to within the game) and gather skills, artefacts and information that will aid them in their ultimate quest to depose the wicked cyborg king - Fire Tires - who has claimed dominion over these scattered realms.

Along the way you will encounter potential allies such as the LOLcats and the powerful celibate wizards. You must also battle dick wolves and feral gamergaters, while maintaining viable salt levels.

8chan deviates from the forked pathway structure used in traditional text adventures, most recently in the excellent Depression Quest, its sequel Depression Quest II: Rise of Zanghar, and its street racing spin-off Depression Quest: Miami Hardpark. Instead the game adopts an ambitious sand box setting, making it the Grand Theft Auto of text adventures with all of the associated negativity.

Despite being predominantly word-based, graphics are scattered randomly throughout the game world. Some of these are intended to penalise the player who must avoid being triggered by images of the made-up rapist and avid penis-harvester Ramsey Bolton, from Game of Thrones.

More positively, players can be awarded cards, such as the '8chan gold account', that will grant them additional powers or resources. During a recent session, Feminist Frequency earned the coveted 'OP is a glorious winged faggot' card which we believe will allow us to fly to previously inaccessible areas in the game.

While navigation between boards and interaction with the immense cast of non-player characters is intuitive, performing actions in the game can often be complicated and frustrating. There are no instructions and any attempt to acquire knowledge of the mechanics are cruelly mocked by NPCs.

8chan is online only and earlier versions were plagued with stability issues that would cause it to briefly disappear from the internet. Progress within the game is saved automatically but is deleted after a randomly generated period of time. This can result in a player being forced to return to previously explored areas and repeat earlier activities.

An ad- hoc customer support system does exist within 8chan with some NPCs offering suggestions on how to optimise the performance of the game. One in-game helper who expressed concerns over the slow frame-rate on our PC advised that we delete the System32 directory which, they told us, is designed to slow down games to Canadian frame-rate speed limits and can be safely removed with no long-term impact on the OS.

While exploring a game world dedicated to the music of the Hip Hop act Insane Clown Posse it was also suggested that we re-align the electrons on our computer hard drive by rubbing a powerful magnet over it in a figure of eight pattern. This has rendered our main gaming PC temporarily inoperable while the system reconfigures itself. We have been instructed to place the PC tower in a large newspaper-lined cardboard box, cover it with straw and place it in a warm dark place such as an airing cupboard, checking on its progress every couple of weeks.

Some NPCs, when pressed, will also give advice on how to make progress within the game. We were recently informed that in order to 'level up' and gain access to the powerful triforce spell we must first seek out the lemon party and find tub girl.

Despite what you may have read on the interent, Feminist Frequency is staffed by hardcore gamers. Our office is full of consoles both old and new, such as the The Playbox, The Nine-ten 360 Classic, The Soba Moon, and The X Live Zone. However we will always consider ourselves, first and foremost, to be Superior PC Aristocracy.”


Following this interview MODE 5 was contacted by the spokesperson for Feminist Frequency, who issued the following statement:

There are things that I couldn't say earlier. What I couldn't say is that the only thing to emerge from the hundreds of hours I have invested in scouring the 8chan text adventure for misogynist tropes is an almighty ball of Christ-the-fuck-knows-what. If I don't make any progress soon I'm going back to playing Windows 95.”

No comments:

Post a Comment