Tuesday, 5 May 2015

(SATIRE) StopGamerGate2014 hashtag achieves retro kitsch status

The twitter hashtag 'StopGamerGate2014' has been approved for retro kitsch status by the London-based Worshipful Company of Hipsters. Experts claim that it is now mere weeks away from mainstream re-acceptance and appearances on cheap British Home Store cushions, where it will be merged with the equally passe expression - 'Keep Calm and Carry On' - to form the new slogan: 'Keep Calm and StopGamerGate2014'.

The hashtag, which was created by Social Justice advocates in the late summer of 2014, captures the baseless, wide-eyed optimism of a movement who blithely assumed the war they had started with hardcore gamers would be over within weeks.

I was told that we had heavyweight mainstream media outlets like The Guardian and New Statesman on our side and that Gamergate would be finished by Christmas,” says Social Justice Warrior (SJW), Lyle Pulleymane.

We assumed, wrongly as it turns out, that gamers would recognise us as their social and intellectual superiors and would impotently mumble any words of dissent into the tattered necklines of their soiled, slept-in T-shirts while we ruled over them like gods.

By the time December rolled around, all I wanted was for Santa Claus to hold me in his arms, press my reddened, tear-stained cheek against his coarse, tobacco and clementine-scented beard, and whisper in my ear that Gamergate was really dead this time and that everything was going to be alright.”

Fellow SJW and self-ascribed non-gendered entity, Brianette W/hh said:

In common with the numerous over-funded kickstarter campaigns I have been involved in, absolutely nothing came of #StopGamerGate2014. By late March, 2015, me and some of my fellow Social Justice Templers were beginning to wonder out loud whether the hashtag might be obsolete. We were soundly chastised by our online community for expressing this opinion in public and I have spent the past weeks deleting the offending posts from my social media accounts and issuing grovelling apology after grovelling apology in an attempt to claw my way back into everybody's good books.”

W/hh refused to add any further comment, informing our reporter:

I find the tailoring of your shirt triggering and equivalent to gang rape.”

Odious human piss carpet - Jeremy Whetton – a man who has the gall to describe himself as a Social Media Trends Analyst - has been monitoring the ups and downs of the hashtag since its inception:

"There were a couple of months at the beginning of 2015 when #StopGamerGate2014 was so hackneyed and uncool that using the hashtag on social media or, even worse, saying it out loud with accompanying air-quotes, marked you as a pariah, hopelessly out of touch with youth culture - basically the walking embodiment of everyone's parents.”

Whetton's analysis is confirmed by a post made in February, 2015, on the social networking website, Tumblr, by user Anneltte74:

Yesterday my dad was driving me and my friends to school which meant that we were all exposed to 20 minutes of Mark Knopfler's most recent album. It was either that or get drenched waiting for the bus. We pulled up at some red traffic lights. My dad leaned over the backrest of the driver's seat and said: 'You know, I think that we should all work together to stop Gamergate in 2014'. Then he made a weird shape with his fingers which I think was supposed to be a gang sign. I was mortified.”

Recently there have been signs that the StopGamerGate2014 hashtag is ready to be co-opted by hipsters and possibly printed on T-shirts as an ironic statement, prior to being re-accepted back into the mainstream for its kitsch value.

Gerald, a hipster from Shoreditch, London, told MODE 5:

My Apple watch alerts me whenever a long-discredited piece of cultural ephemera is ripe for reappraisal. Being able to home-in on forgotten trends before others of my human sub-species is essential if I am to ascend the hipster pecking order and gain mating privileges. I intend to consummate my passions beneath my ultra-rare limited-edition Slint 'Spiderland' poster, under the ever-watchful monochrome gaze of guitarists Brian McMahan and David Pajo.”

Magpie-eyed hipster entrepreneur, Kent Option said:

My friend Nigel is an economics graduate from Reading University who, for some reason, sports a thin 6-inch waxed moustache and dresses like a farm labourer from 1910. Together we are planning to open an awful cafe based around Social Justice principles. Customers will be served in reverse order of their social privilege, which will also determine the items that they are allowed to select from the menu. Ordering anything other than a salad will result in you being accused of perpetuating rape culture and your employers will be notified. Your food will arrive two years late, if at all. Customers must pay in advance and may be asked to leave at a moments notice with no refund. With the exception of myself and Nigel no white males will be allowed in. The entire venture will be bank-rolled by Patreon donations. These funds will be bolstered by our claims of victimisation whenever anyone posts a bad review of our cafe online, which I predict will be often.”

Kent and Nigel are not the only ones to have identified the commercial opportunities inherent in the flagging anti-gamergate movement. MODE 5 was invited to watch blue-haired SJW, Sophie Hussey, as she pitched her new Muhfeelz fashion range to a panel of grimacing, sour-faced venture capitalists on the popular reality TV show - Dragon's Den:

Muhfeelz is the safe space you can wear – a funky one-piece body suit lined with kitten skin, housing a built-in wi-fi transmitter that texts or emails your Patreon or PayPal details to any mobile device within 50 yards. I am asking for an investment of £15million in return for a zero percent stake in my company.”

The rekindled fringe interest in all things anti-Gamergate has not gone unnoticed by the establishment, with rumours abounding that had the Royal baby been male it would have certainly been christened 'Josh'.

Meanwhile, the UK broadcaster, ITV, has announced a new pre-watershed sitcom titled Literally Who's Coming To Dinner in which a group of Social Justice Warriors move in next door to a house full of Videogamers.

A spokesperson for ITV said:

I can confirm that the first two episodes of Literally Who's Coming To Dinner will be broadcast at 8pm on successive Wednesdays – a time slot that has become synonymous with high quality television. Subsequent episodes will air on random days at some point between the hours of 11:30pm and 2:30am.

Commenting on the shifting fortunes of #StopGamerGate2014, Twitter oracle, Sensible Ethel, said:

While Hipsters are essentially cultural scavengers with delusions of grandeur, they do perform a valuable role in our society by telling us when its okay to like things that have previously been cast aside on the basis that everyone thought they were shit.

It's very much the circle of life, as was described by Elton John in the song of the same name. Any hashtag or expression that falls into disuse has the potential to re-emerge in a neutered form, forever divested of its original meaning and intent.

There was a time when informing your peers that you were 'chillin' n' illin'' would instantly mark you as a monumental bad ass – the kind of unconventional human being whose propensity for holding objects sideways in a gansta-style meant that they could not be trusted around change purses or scalding hot mugs of tea. Now you can't move in the aisles of Marks & Spencer for old ladies talking like they're from Compton in the late 1990s.”

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