TRIGGER WARNING: MODE 5
has never heard of Madison
City, Missouri
A ragtag band of
academics, keyboard warriors and cycling enthusiasts are to be
moulded into an elite unit of hardbitten commandos by the late actor
Lee Marvin. The small task force, who have been dubbed “The Empiric
Eight” on account of their unconventional fondness for fact-based
argument, will be deployed in operations pertaining to Gamergate.
Standing in front of a
freshly-constructed assault course, built from scratch by his new
conscripts using credible peer-reviewed books and academic journals
as materials, Marvin, who has been inactive since his death in 1987,
said:
“I am in the process of
putting the raw recruits through their paces. While they will all be
trained in survival and desert warfare, along with various forms of
hand to hand and ranged combat, we initially expect missions to
involve participation in moderated debates on videogaming-related
issues.”
Marvin then broke off to
bark orders at a soldier loitering near the barracks:
“Yiannopoulos! I
see a rope in your future and I don't mean the one you hang your soap
on.”
Later, former journalist
turned army Private, Milo Yiannopoulos, took to Twitter to vent his
frustrations:
“Lee Marvin just made me
climb a 20 foot rope. Unbelievable.”
When asked to elaborate on the
unconventional fighting force Marvin said:
“When putting together a
unit like this you can't just pull soldiers from the rank and file.
What we look for are outsiders - Men and women who would struggle to
adjust to civilian life in certain areas of San Francisco or on the
campus of Goldsmiths University of London, where antisocial traits
such as stability, rationality and a sense of humour would be likely
to land them in jail.
“In the search for
recruits we deliberately steered clear of these safe spaces. Many of
the men and women who you see before you today were drawn from a
watch list of passengers booked onto flights leaving San Francisco,
who had refused to check their privilege in the main hold before
boarding.
“Private Yiannopoulos is
a former 'put down man' for the UK armed forces, capable of ending a
skirmish with a single withering quip. He once brought an entire
mechanised platoon to a demoralised halt by pointing out that the
forest camouflage pattern on their tanks clashed with their uniforms.
“I tracked him to a
restaurant in Mayfair, where he was making a living hustling patrons
in games of canasta, while subsisting upon a meagre diet of champagne
and lobster. It pained me to see a man of his natural talents having
fallen so low.
“I rescued Colonel
Sommers from hostile forces who were attacking her via the medium of
jazz hands - a sign language developed by proponents of social
justice that reduces the rich lexicon of human communication to a
single meaningless non-discriminatory gesture.”
Other recruits to the unit
were ensnared by means of elaborate traps. Private Campbell said:
“I followed temporary
signs for a new cycle route. These eventually led me to this compound
where I am now being tutored in a verbal martial art developed by
Karl Popper. I have also been taught how to whittle a tent pole from
a human shin bone.”
Speaking of the ongoing
process of shaping the recruits into an effective debating unit, Marvin said:
“Many of these
individuals are difficult characters and consequently I expect a
certain amount of rough-housing. The watershed moment will come when
a pair decide to go AWOL and the others band together and utilise the
debating techniques they are currently being instructed in to
convince them to return. I will of course interrogate everyone in an
attempt to find out what happened but none of them will crack and
this will be a bonding experience.”
Already signs of a
collective identity are beginning to emerge. Private Young said:
“The cake a lie, however
not disclosing that you had the cake and then ate it, and that the
donor of the cake is a close personal friend to whom you owe money,
is a far greater lie.”
She added:
“We are considering
using this as a motto for our unit, only in Latin obviously.”
With the unit's first
mission scheduled for mid-August training had been stepped-up to
ensure readiness for operations in the field.
“I can confirm that the
unit will be a debating against an as-yet unidentified force...”
said Marvin.
“...They will deploy
from a hovering Black Hawk helicopter, rappelling from the gun doors
down to the main entrance of the venue where they will check in and
collect their ID badges. They will subsequently advance from the
lobby to the debating area where they will assume tactical seating
patterns behind the tables provided.
“Under a UN directive no
Pokémon
will be deployed during the debate
although companion Pokémon
will be allowed as mascots. We will observe the UN treaty on arms
escalation which forbids the use of 60-card Magic: The Gathering
decks.”
At the barracks yesterday
the pervading sense of nervousness and anticipation was best
summed-up by Private Wardell:
“There have already been
excited discussions regarding which one of us will lose their
virginity to their childhood sweetheart the night before the
operation. Also one of us is bound to go mad during the mission,
while another will be revealed as an enemy agent who we will be
forced to neutralise.”
When questioned on whether
the survivors of the debate would be transported to the ward of a
military hospital where Marvin would solemnly read out a list of the names of
those who had been killed in action, Private Yiannopoulos said:
“We are not expecting
any casualties. After the debate we will probably go to a bar or a
restaurant.”
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