Friday, 29 May 2015

Lee Marvin assembles crack Gamergate commando unit

TRIGGER WARNING: MODE 5 has never heard of Madison City, Missouri

A ragtag band of academics, keyboard warriors and cycling enthusiasts are to be moulded into an elite unit of hardbitten commandos by the late actor Lee Marvin. The small task force, who have been dubbed “The Empiric Eight” on account of their unconventional fondness for fact-based argument, will be deployed in operations pertaining to Gamergate.

Standing in front of a freshly-constructed assault course, built from scratch by his new conscripts using credible peer-reviewed books and academic journals as materials, Marvin, who has been inactive since his death in 1987, said:

I am in the process of putting the raw recruits through their paces. While they will all be trained in survival and desert warfare, along with various forms of hand to hand and ranged combat, we initially expect missions to involve participation in moderated debates on videogaming-related issues.”

Marvin then broke off to bark orders at a soldier loitering near the barracks:

Yiannopoulos! I see a rope in your future and I don't mean the one you hang your soap on.”

Later, former journalist turned army Private, Milo Yiannopoulos, took to Twitter to vent his frustrations:

Lee Marvin just made me climb a 20 foot rope. Unbelievable.”

When asked to elaborate on the unconventional fighting force Marvin said:

When putting together a unit like this you can't just pull soldiers from the rank and file. What we look for are outsiders - Men and women who would struggle to adjust to civilian life in certain areas of San Francisco or on the campus of Goldsmiths University of London, where antisocial traits such as stability, rationality and a sense of humour would be likely to land them in jail.

In the search for recruits we deliberately steered clear of these safe spaces. Many of the men and women who you see before you today were drawn from a watch list of passengers booked onto flights leaving San Francisco, who had refused to check their privilege in the main hold before boarding.

Private Yiannopoulos is a former 'put down man' for the UK armed forces, capable of ending a skirmish with a single withering quip. He once brought an entire mechanised platoon to a demoralised halt by pointing out that the forest camouflage pattern on their tanks clashed with their uniforms.

I tracked him to a restaurant in Mayfair, where he was making a living hustling patrons in games of canasta, while subsisting upon a meagre diet of champagne and lobster. It pained me to see a man of his natural talents having fallen so low.

I rescued Colonel Sommers from hostile forces who were attacking her via the medium of jazz hands - a sign language developed by proponents of social justice that reduces the rich lexicon of human communication to a single meaningless non-discriminatory gesture.”

Other recruits to the unit were ensnared by means of elaborate traps. Private Campbell said:

I followed temporary signs for a new cycle route. These eventually led me to this compound where I am now being tutored in a verbal martial art developed by Karl Popper. I have also been taught how to whittle a tent pole from a human shin bone.”

Speaking of the ongoing process of shaping the recruits into an effective debating unit, Marvin said:

Many of these individuals are difficult characters and consequently I expect a certain amount of rough-housing. The watershed moment will come when a pair decide to go AWOL and the others band together and utilise the debating techniques they are currently being instructed in to convince them to return. I will of course interrogate everyone in an attempt to find out what happened but none of them will crack and this will be a bonding experience.”

Already signs of a collective identity are beginning to emerge. Private Young said:

The cake a lie, however not disclosing that you had the cake and then ate it, and that the donor of the cake is a close personal friend to whom you owe money, is a far greater lie.”

She added:

We are considering using this as a motto for our unit, only in Latin obviously.”

With the unit's first mission scheduled for mid-August training had been stepped-up to ensure readiness for operations in the field.

I can confirm that the unit will be a debating against an as-yet unidentified force...” said Marvin.

...They will deploy from a hovering Black Hawk helicopter, rappelling from the gun doors down to the main entrance of the venue where they will check in and collect their ID badges. They will subsequently advance from the lobby to the debating area where they will assume tactical seating patterns behind the tables provided.

Under a UN directive no Pokémon will be deployed during the debate although companion Pokémon will be allowed as mascots. We will observe the UN treaty on arms escalation which forbids the use of 60-card Magic: The Gathering decks.”

At the barracks yesterday the pervading sense of nervousness and anticipation was best summed-up by Private Wardell:

There have already been excited discussions regarding which one of us will lose their virginity to their childhood sweetheart the night before the operation. Also one of us is bound to go mad during the mission, while another will be revealed as an enemy agent who we will be forced to neutralise.”

When questioned on whether the survivors of the debate would be transported to the ward of a military hospital where Marvin would solemnly read out a list of the names of those who had been killed in action, Private Yiannopoulos said:

We are not expecting any casualties. After the debate we will probably go to a bar or a restaurant.”

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