Thursday, 17 September 2015
(SATIRE) Anglerfish admits to feelings of jealousy towards Josh McIntosh
A grotesque deep sea predator, that entices smaller fish within striking distance by means of a bio-luminescent lure, has admitted to feelings of jealousy towards Feminist Frequency puppet-master Josh 'my real name is Jon, please use it' McIntosh.
In a frank confession given from her temporary lair, somewhere in the unfathomable sunless gloom of the Atlantic Ocean, Anglerfish and occasional Guardian contributor, Jemima Pearson-Bolt, told MODE 5:
“For centuries your species has laboured under the mistaken impression that the lure sprouting from our heads is purely a means of gaining the attention of passing dinner morsels in the all-you-can-eat buffet that is the Atlantic gulf stream.
“In truth this was always just a short-term measure, comparable to working as a barista while you put yourself through drama college. As the ultimate predator in waiting, our actual intent was to loiter in the ocean doing as little work as possible while one of our more motivated piscine cousins crawled up onto dry land, evolved serviceable lungs and developed to a level where they were able to create advanced tools and found a thriving tech industry.
“At this point we knew that they would find themselves helplessly captivated by our bio-luminescent lures and would shower us with generous grant money to fund research and development programs looking into possible commercial applications.
“Once financially solvent our plan was to relocate to the bay area of San Francisco, where we would re-brand ourselves as BSD Coder Fish and idle around making games on Twine or holding angry, poorly attended seminars where we would take turns to rant about whale dominance in STEM fields.
“You can only imagine our horror when a human upstart named Josh McIntosh co-opted out strategy and deployed his own non-bio-luminescent lure to snatch away an Intel grant worth hundreds of thousands of dollars from our gaping, gratuitously fanged maws.”
Despite the setback Person-Bolt praised McIntosh for his adoption of an Anglerfish mindset:
“McIntosh evidently realised that nobody would listen to the dour radicalised outpourings of a wealthy white man with the puritanical temperament of Christmas thief, Oliver Cromwell, and a contemptuous facial expression that appears to be experiencing slow compression under the crushing gravity of its own disapproval. Using Anita Sarkeesian as a mouthpiece for his censorious opinions allowed him to draw a much larger audience to his cause.
"Considering that he has only been in the angling business for a few decades he has managed to create a very convincing lure – one that, at a cursory glance, assuredly mimics somebody with an interest in videogames."
Person-Bolt went on to applaud the Sarkeesian lure's “stilted range of facial expressions, her blank, almost painted-on eyes whose absence of humanity hints at latent shark-like tendencies, her emotionless rendition of pre-scripted dialogue, and plaid shirt, reminiscent of someone who has discovered the grunge scene during its waning arc and considers this appropriate attire for a Stone Temple Pilots show.”
“A casual observer could easily be fooled by this pretence. Their eventual fate is be consumed by the composite that is Joshanita. Kudos to the pair of them.”
Fisherman Jason Coleman contacted MODE 5 warning gamers to steer clear of anglerfish, who he claims harbour designs on taking away our videogames:
“Legend speaks of a horrifying sea creature that ascends from the black depths of the ocean, its passage to the surface lit by the dim glow of its own infernal lantern.
“They want to take our games with them down to Davy Jones' locker which I understand is some kind of deep sea pawn shop where goods can either be exchanged for other products of commensurate value or traded in for cash.
“Well, not on my watch: My XBOX One copy of North Atlantic Trawler Captain Simulator is the only thing keeping my mind off my hard life as a deep sea fisherman off the coast of Scotland.”
“I know the frame rate is better on the PS4 but I still prefer the XBOX version of the game.”