A grotesque deep sea
predator, that entices smaller fish within striking distance by means
of a bio-luminescent lure, has admitted to feelings of jealousy
towards Feminist Frequency puppet-master Josh 'my real name is Jon,
please use it' McIntosh.
In a frank confession
given from her temporary lair, somewhere in the unfathomable sunless
gloom of the Atlantic Ocean, Anglerfish and occasional Guardian
contributor, Jemima
Pearson-Bolt, told MODE 5:
“For centuries your
species has laboured under the mistaken impression that the lure
sprouting from our heads is purely a means of gaining the attention
of passing dinner morsels in the all-you-can-eat buffet that is the
Atlantic gulf stream.
“In truth this was
always just a short-term measure, comparable to working as a barista
while you put yourself through drama college. As the ultimate
predator in waiting, our actual intent was to loiter in the ocean
doing as little work as possible while one of our more motivated
piscine cousins crawled up onto dry land, evolved serviceable lungs
and developed to a level where they were able to create advanced
tools and found a thriving tech industry.
“At this point we knew
that they would find themselves helplessly captivated by our
bio-luminescent lures and would shower us with generous grant money
to fund research and development programs looking into possible
commercial applications.
“Once financially
solvent our plan was to relocate to the bay area of San Francisco,
where we would re-brand ourselves as BSD Coder Fish and idle around
making games on Twine or holding angry, poorly attended seminars
where we would take turns to rant about whale dominance in STEM
fields.
“You can only imagine
our horror when a human upstart named Josh McIntosh co-opted out
strategy and deployed his own non-bio-luminescent lure to snatch away
an Intel grant worth hundreds of thousands of dollars from our
gaping, gratuitously fanged maws.”
Despite the setback
Person-Bolt praised McIntosh for his adoption of an Anglerfish
mindset:
“McIntosh evidently
realised that nobody would listen to the dour radicalised outpourings
of a wealthy white man with the puritanical temperament of Christmas
thief, Oliver Cromwell, and a contemptuous facial expression that
appears to be experiencing slow compression under the crushing gravity
of its own disapproval. Using Anita Sarkeesian as a mouthpiece for
his censorious opinions allowed him to draw a much larger audience to
his cause.
"Considering that he has
only been in the angling business for a few decades he has managed to
create a very convincing lure – one that, at a cursory glance, assuredly mimics somebody with an
interest in videogames."
Person-Bolt went on to
applaud the Sarkeesian lure's “stilted range of facial expressions,
her blank, almost painted-on eyes whose absence of humanity hints at
latent shark-like tendencies, her emotionless rendition of
pre-scripted dialogue, and plaid shirt, reminiscent of someone who has
discovered the grunge scene during its waning arc and considers this
appropriate attire for a Stone Temple Pilots show.”
“A casual observer could
easily be fooled by this pretence. Their eventual fate is be consumed
by the composite that is Joshanita. Kudos to the pair of them.”
Fisherman Jason Coleman contacted MODE 5 warning gamers to steer clear of anglerfish,
who he claims harbour designs on taking away our videogames:
“Legend speaks of a
horrifying sea creature that ascends from the black depths of the
ocean, its passage to the surface lit by the dim glow of its own
infernal lantern.
“They want to take our
games with them down to Davy Jones' locker which I understand is some
kind of deep sea pawn shop where goods can either be exchanged for
other products of commensurate value or traded in for cash.
“Well, not on my watch:
My XBOX One copy of North Atlantic Trawler Captain
Simulator is the only thing keeping my mind off my hard life as a
deep sea fisherman off the coast of Scotland.”
Coleman added:
“I know the frame rate
is better on the PS4 but I still prefer the XBOX version of the
game.”
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