Wednesday, 16 September 2015

(SATIRE) 'I was a teenage Edgelord' legal defence set to overturn thousands of juvenile convictions

Criminals who can prove that they were acting as a boundary-pushing agent of chaos known as an 'Edgelord' when they committed their crimes will have their convictions quashed and will not be held accountable for their actions in any way.

The ruling comes after social justice advocate, Sarah Nyberg, successfully argued that disturbing comments that appeared to endorse paedophilia, logged during internet chat sessions, were made while she was acting as an Edgelord.

Legal pundit Gerald Spoilers told MODE 5:

The comments made by Sarah Nyberg were not a reflection of her true opinions, but were instead an attempt to test the boundaries of social and moral conventions and to garner shock value.

Like the character Tyler Durden in the film Fight Club, the Edgelord is an entirely fictional persona that can be worn like a suit of armour, but whose words and actions remain separate from those of their host body. Nyberg has since jettisoned her Edgelord persona and cannot be held accountable for any alleged wrong-doing perpetrated by this individual whose current whereabouts are unknown.”

When Spoiler was asked whether he too was a figment of Nyberg's vivid imagination, he responded:

I am unable to comment on my mooted status as an imaginary legal counsel. Whether I am a real or an imaginary person will be for the high court of Maryland to decide in 2016 when I will stand before a jury of my Narnian peers.”

The new legal precedent set by Nyberg's case will see thousands of trials extended to allow time for Edgelord pleas to be heard.

Among the first to use the defence will be Kyle Spier (17) who is facing calls for a double death penalty, and the prospect of being executed twice, for gunning down a family of six and for causing extensive damage to a business engaged in the practice of making donuts.

Initially I pleaded INsaNity which, on the advice of my team of lawyers, I insisted on spelling with three capital letters as an indicator of my fractured mental state,” Spier told a reporter for a rival news outlet.

I have since instructed my legal representation to incorporate the Nyberg defence into my 'not guilty' plea, which will see me tried in court as an Edgelord.

My brazen act of mass murder was an expression of my disdain for the nuclear family. If just one person reads about my wanton killing spree and takes a few moments out of their busy day to question whether the family unit really is the best fit for America in the 21st century, then my gun trolling will have been worthwhile. By driving a stolen, bullet-riddled, blood-splattered station wagon through the plate glass window of The Mayflower Donut Shoppe, while attempting to evade pursuing police, I was commenting on current tropes in law enforcement.”*

It is also likely that the Edgelord ruling will result in a slew of appeals from convicted criminals. The new legal precedent has already been greeted warmly by law firms keen to bolster their profits during the final quarter of 2015. Benjamin Hannah from the Philadelphia-based partnership Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, R. Hannah, Hannah and Karl said:

The fruits of Sarah Nyberg's finely-tuned legal mind will provide social justice to thousands who were wrongly labelled by the courts as depraved subhuman assholes.

I weep when I think of all the former Edgelords who were denied this simple line of defence at trial: The likes of Timothy McVeigh, Osama Bin Laden, Ted Bundy, the Edgelord Voldemort, and an invading race of skateboarding aliens known as The Edgelords, who were defeated by the superhero team The Avengers in a pitched battle in the skies above Paris last year. All were persecuted for the simple act of holding up a mirror up to our society by acting like the biggest douchebags imaginable.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind potential clients that one does not need to have been a teenager when engaged in Edgelord practices in order to use the Nyberg defence. All that they must do is prove that they were a teenager at heart when the offences took place.”

The Nyberg ruling is likely to come as a relief to Sarah's celebrity supporters who have publicly staked their reputations on her innocence in the face of mounting evidence to the contrary. One celebrity who did not wish to be named said:

When I was informed that Sarah Nyberg was not an unrepentant sexual predator, but had made her salacious comments about her eight-year old cousin while acting as an Edgelord, I immediately realised that this was the reason why I had leapt so vehemently to her defence without full knowledge of the facts.”

The race is now on to define Edgelords in a manner that is easily explainable to juries – a process known as the 'Law and Order SVU' test.

Professor Jonathan Ramsgate who writes extensively on legal issues told MODE 5:

Many, including myself, are convinced that Edgelords are an immature larval stage of the social justice warrior – an entity already enshrined in law as having legal immunity to the consequences of their actions and the tenets of rational argument, as well as being, to some extent, unconstrained by the immutable universal laws of physics and causality.”

The Edgelord ruling has drawn criticism from senior figures within the legal profession, among them the barrister Nicholas McKenzie who, upon being informed of the details of the precedent while in the shower, was heard to fling a half-empty bottle of conditioner at the tiled wall, before remarking “What in the name of cunting Christ is this arsery?”

While vigorously towelling himself off in his chambers, McKenzie added that the Nyberg defence marked the point where “our increasingly asinine legal system finally ascends into the unhallowed echelons of its own unwiped areshole, where-in singular acts of the highest bastardry conceivable to the human mind will be enacted on a hitherto unseen magnitude.”

A statement later issued by McKenzie's law firm, clarifying his earlier remarks, read:

'Mr McKenzie passionately believes that more needs to be done in legislative circles to distinguish those who are acting as Edgelords from those who are defined in law as trolls, douchebags, fucktards, imbeciles and wankers. Mr McKenzie feels that at the moment there is too much similarity and overlap between these disparate legal entities and that further steps should be taken to clear up any confusion.'

* Kyle Spier has since been acquitted of all charges. The FBI has released a photofit of an Edgelord wanted in connection to the killings and the desecration of a much-loved Donut shop (the latter currently being described by the U.S. media as 'our Cecil the Lion moment').

He is described as wearing a leather trench coat, dark glasses and brandishing a wicked-ass katana.

Agent Kaufman of the FBI told MODE 5:

We have been notified that this individual routinely carries on his person a bitchin' cybernetic energy cannon that clamps onto his wrist like one of Iron man's gloves. Given the unpredictable nature of this felon and his predisposition towards extreme behaviour we are advising members of the public not to approach him but to instead contact their nearest SWAT team.

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