Tuesday, 8 September 2015

(SATIRE) “Donate to my Patreon” set to enter The Oxford English Dictionary of Phrases

Donate to my Patreon” is to be formally inducted into the Oxford English Dictionary of Phrases, thereby entering the official lexicon of proverbs and maxims that have contributed to the shaping of western civilisation.

The phrase refers to an online service where users can solicit regular, or one-off, donations to fund social-mobility-driven projects such as living in one of the nicer parts of San Francisco while being unemployed and unemployable.

It will join other culturally defining phrases like “Make do and mend”, “We will fight them on the beaches”, “Go to work on an egg”, “Greed is good” and “Talk to the hand”.

Historian Derek Smiter told MODE 5: “Every generation tends to accumulate these stock phrases that serve as pithy snapshots of our social mindset at a given moment in time. They also make good chapter subtitles in the best selling books that accompany my BAFTA award winning TV programmes.

Unfortunately over the past century there has been a steady dilution in quality, from the chin-up defiance of the war years, to the chipper self-improvement of the 1960s and 70s, to the narcissism of the 1980s and 90s, to this latest bottom of the barrel embarrassment from our least greatest generation - a barrel that having been scraped clean will no doubt be used, in lieu of a proper plate, to serve a de-constructed Shepherds Pie at some ghastly new Shoreditch eatery.

The very existance of the phrase 'donate to my Patreon' should be construed as a tacit admission of the failure of Western civilisation, not from any external pressures, but as a result of seeds that were sown in the 4th centruy BC by those original bearded hipsters – the ancient Greeks.

At least the dinosaurs were allowed to die out with dignity. I don't care what those social justice revisionists at The London Museum of Natural History say: There is no definitive proof that triceratops ever sported a bright blue Mohawk and cut-off denim shorts, and fought with other dinosaurs to promote lesbian causes.”

Attempts by MODE 5 to contact Patreon users for comment via their iWatches and the heads-up displays of their Google Glass have been unsuccessful. However at the time of publication 7 new Patreons had been launched, all requesting donations to fund designs for lines of clothing bearing the slogan “Least Greatest Generation.”

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