Sunday, 20 September 2015

(SATIRE) A reading from Leaves of Salt - The Ancient Code of the Social Justice Warrior

A reading from Leaves of Salt – a collection of Edo-period Japanese writings that heavily influenced contemporary Social Justice Warrior culture – brought low by a bad microphone and my poor enunciation. Full text of the passage follows below the video.

An Edgelord violates Teineide Ashika's prize oxen deep in the Torigna Forest

They feasted for eight days. But on the ninth day the Shitlord, Teineide Ashika, who ruled in the lands to the east, where the plains meet with the horizon, and in the South where the great desert joins with the Yellow Ocean, said to his men:

Gather yourselves into a hunting party. Let it comprise my five greatest warriors whose names in syllables number 5,7,5,7,7.

The men battled for 20 days for the honour of joining the hunting party and to decide who among them, whose names in syllables numbered either five or seven, was the greatest warrior. And many were slain. And when, of the 800 men who had taken part in the battle, only five remained standing, they formed a hunting party.

They entered the Torigna Forest as a single column. At their lead rode the Shitlord Teineide Ashika. Following behind him were his five greatest generals who rode in battle formation, each according to the syllables of his name. And they did this in deference to the spirits of the trees who had specified as such in the terms and conditions for entering the forest.

The hunting party journeyed through the Torigna forest for three years but caught nothing. After the third year had passed and, with the rising of the sun, the first day of the new year had come into being, they entered into a wide clearing among the trees. At the centre of the clearing they saw a creature who stood upon its hind legs like a man, engaged in an act of sexual congress with a male oxen.

The oxen's fur had been dyed bright blue with the toxic juices of the soraberry. And Teineide Ashika saw the brand that had been placed upon its body, which identified the beast as his property, and he knew the beast by name, and that it was 8 years of age, and he saw, hanging from the trees behind it, drying water colours painted on sheets of rice paper that depicted the oxen's exposed hind quarters, and its dangling reproductive parts that had once been used to measure the extent of his kingdom, which was over ten million semi-aroused oxen penises in length and girth.

And having seen all of this he drew his sword for he was of a singular purpose. And he spoke to the creature:

You who have defiled this oxen which is my property and who, either by whim or by perversion, you have dyed bright blue with the toxic juices of the soraberry so that it might better resemble the women who dwell within this forest, and who have braided its pubic hair in knots that are known only to the inhabitants of this province, have stolen from the beast its honour. And for these crimes I will stand as your executioner.”

But as he raised his sword his second in command rushed forward and stayed his master's hand.

And Teineide Ashika spoke to him:

You who are among my number and who have pledged lifelong allegiance to my noble house have stilled my hand as it falls with singular purpose to reclaim lost honour. In acknowledgement of your naked treachery I will add your body to those of the slain and from here-on will rain down curses upon your family's name and they shall know no peace.”

But his second in command spoke:

Master, the man who you see before you, standing balls deep in oxen man-pussy, is an Edgelord. He is protected by the spirits of social justice who dwell within these woods and we may not harm him.”

Then the Edgelord spoke:

Know that I defiled your oxen before all the creatures of the forest and dyed its hair blue with the toxic juices of the soraberry so that it better resembled the women who dwell within these woods, and painted water colours of my carnal acts to share with my Edgelord friends and on 4chan. And know that I did this for the lulz and to bring great dishonour upon this oxen and his noble lineage. And know that, though my power level is below 8, you cannot harm me without angering the spirits who command this place.”

Then Teineide Ashika, having slain his second in command with a single stroke of his sword and re-sheaved the blade, turned to his remaining men and spoke:

Foul and contemptible though this creature that may be, there is no honour to be gained from standing as the author of its death.”

Then he spoke to the oxen: “I hereby discharge you from my service and from the service of those generations who follow after me. Henceforth you must wander this realm and pledge fealty to no master, and though you may seek retribution for the foul acts that have been committed against you, and may train your children in the arts of Ninjutsu, you must do so far from these lands for your presence here brings dishonour upon my noble house.”

And so the oxen left the forest and journeyed high into the mountains to where the peaks meet with the sky and was raised piece by piece by eagles, up into the clouds until all that remained of him was his breath and this became the east wind.

And the birds of the forest twittered the story of the Edgelord who in the brazen act of fucking an oxen had bested Teineide Ashika – who was mightiest of all the Shitlords.

But the spirit of the forests who favoured the Edgelord said to the loudest of these birds:

You shall not speak of what you saw to man or beast, or sing of it over the swaying grasslands, or in the dankest depths of the fuck caverns. And for your transgression you shall banished from this forest and may return only when the moon blossoms glisten with Autumn salt.”

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