Thursday, 24 September 2015
(SATIRE) The United Nations formally welcomes Quinnland as a member state
The United Nations has formally allied itself with the social justice movement and will devote its resources to tackling pressing global issues, such as man-spreading and poverty among rainbow-haired hipsters in the developed world.
This raft of measures follows the formal induction of Quinnland, Sarkeesiland and The Wutang Republic into the UN.
The move has been widely interpreted by seasoned observers as a last ditch attempt to raise the credibility of an organisation regarded by many as the C3P0 of global diplomacy:- good at translation but, in a fire fight, prone to shifting about awkwardly on the spot, like somebody fighting the urge to urinate, while hesitantly raising their hands in the air in a robotic expression of stilted panic.
When called upon to explain how three obscure countries had been allowed to jump the queue and join the United Nations ahead of better established nation states, UN delegate Niles Cromer said:
“When an entitled, unemployed hipster living in San Francisco can't afford the rent on a penthouse with a decent view overlooking the bay, we have a responsibility to take a step back and ask ourselves what kind of world is it that we are building for our children.
“Henceforth the pale blue helmets worn by UN personnel, serving in conflict zones across the world, should be regarded as the reinforced-Kevlar embodiment of the bright-blue dyed hair that is commonly worn by our civilian allies in the social justice movement.”
Asked to point to the locations of Quinnland, Sarkeesiland, and The Wutang Republic on a globe, Cromer responded:
“While what I have been told about these countries by their leaders can, at times, appear to stretch plausibly, and wildly contradicts itself on an almost daily basis, I have been assured that these nations do exist in reality and are eligible for the generous grants that we have provided to fund soil irrigation and the construction of schools and hospitals.
“Unfortunately, under the terms of a hastily drafted resolution, I am unable to disclose the exact locations of our newest members. As of this morning, revealing the whereabouts of these burgeoning nation states will be regarded by the UN as an unprovoked act of invasion - one that will result in offenders being put on trial for war crimes at The Hague.”
Cromer went on to acknowledge that the UN had committed itself to tackling many of the issues raised during a recent address given by a representative of Quinnland:
“I can confirm that on the advice of Empress Zoe the 1st of Quinnland, the UN has pledged to eliminate the scourge of man-spreading. This wildfire social epidemic will be tackled on a nation by nation basis, starting with Syria.
“Only the other day I was presented with a troubling photo image of a Syrian male who had used an improvised explosive device to spread parts of his body across a wide area, effectively rendering this public space inaccessible to other members of the civilian population. This antisocial behaviour simply has to stop.
“Did you know that when a man splays his legs he occupies valuable space that could be used in the cultivation of bamboo – a staple in the diet of pandas. Men need to wake up and acknowledge the devastating impact their selfish actions are having upon dwindling panda numbers.”
Cromer also confirmed that the UN is working towards developing 'market friendly' solutions that will address a looming financial crisis known as 'Peak Patreon' where employable, upwardly-mobile individuals stop donating money to bone idle millennials. Economists have predicted that, were this doomsday scenario to occur, it would result in those who use Patreon to support themselves being forced into low-paid jobs with skill-sets graspable to those with degrees in Media Studies.
Former death row inmate turned financial correspondent, James Seth Lynch, told MODE 5:
“While I generally regard myself as an ardent critic of the UN, I fully support any steps taken to ensure that those who currently rely on Patreon for an income are not allowed to contaminate the jobs market. It is imperative that we keep these socially corrosive individuals, who taint everything that they come into contact with, away from the service industry, where they are likely to shriek accusations of harassment every time a customer asks them for a coffee.”
A paradigm shift towards social justice?
The UN is just one of many large organisations to have adopted a more social justice orientated approach. In recent weeks the web media conglomerate, and aspiring conqueror of outer space, Google, has also attempted to strengthen ties with key figures within the SJW movement:
Company founder, Bradley Google Jr. told a press conference:
“To our critics who say that this is a bad move for Google, may I point out that we are first and foremost a business: If the way that social justice warriors spend money is comparable in both scale and frequency to the amount of time and energy that they spend complaining about things, then I have secured this company's growth for the next decade. Courting this demographic was a no-brainer.
“To make Google a more hospitable place for those who have embraced social justice will require a modicum of restructuring:
“Google circles, which have been identified by biologists as among the few places on Earth were no life can flourish, will be terraformed from barren online wastelands into lush virtual gardens where the tenets of social justice can blossom in hermetically sealed safe spaces.
“Furthermore, by incorporating trigger warnings into our search engine algorithms and then eliminating any problematic results, we can reduce the number of sites that come up in the average Google search from hundreds of thousands to the same two or three, saving our company billions of dollars in the process.”
MODE 5 has learned that social justice warriors who agree to the terms and conditions of services provided by Google, but who are later found to have breached these terms, will be allowed to retrospectively withdraw their consent and take the company to court for forcing them to agree in the first place.
Earlier this week a contingent of prize winning social justice warriors visited the Google Ideas Factory where they were informed of the changes that were being made by the company.
Google Creativity Supervisor, Anna Simmons, who gave the tour, told MODE 5:
“Google's strong commitment to diversity means that it must willingly embrace the bad ideas alongside the good.
“We have a corporate duty to celebrate the genius that has allowed our species to land a probe on a comet. Equally we must provide a platform to those who vilified the man responsible for this momentous scientific achievement because they felt threatened by the shirt that he was wearing.”
A Social Justice Spokes'ferson' who attended the tour, later blogged:
“It may seem odd that anyone on the side of social justice would want anything to do with Google: Especially given the revelation that Zoe Quinn is effectively being stalked via a google alert that she set up to covertly monitor the online activities of her ex-boyfriend, or should I say 'boy-fiend?'
“On the other hand I haven't worked a proper job since I discovered that people would pay me to sit around on my rapidly expanding beanbag of an arse all day ,while publishing the home addresses of my critics or instructing them without irony to set themselves on fire.
“Since Google Plus is apparently already a thing, that spares us the exhausting effort of hectoring and browbeating the company into inventing it.”