Friday, 11 September 2015

(SATIRE) Large-breasted women cited by Social Justice Warriors as a major cause of misogyny in videogamers

Proponents of social justice have vowed to strike a blow against sexism by purging all large-breasted women from videogames. The campaign follows the publication of a study that revealed the sight of amply-bosomed females, either participating in videogaming, or portrayed as characters in games, elicited increased misogynist responses from observers.

In a series of experiments participants were asked to watched large-breasted women playing a modified version of Star Wars Battlefront 2, which featured busty playable and non-playable female characters.

A control group watched overweight, bare-chested men, who had developed man-boobs or 'moobs', play through Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon, which was voted Least Erotic Game of 2001.

The man behind the study, Professor Adams, told MODE 5:

I wanted to test a theory dating to the time of Archimedes of Syracuse: This speculates that breasts above a certain size will exert a gravitic pull on the male gaze, which is effectively drawn into a binary orbit from which it cannot easily escape.

Archimedes only had a stick, a short length of string and the shadows cast by the harsh Mediterranean sun to work with, whereas we had the advantage of access to actual breasts and the finest diagnostic equipment a £38 per month Patreon fund can buy. That Archimedes' results so closely mirrored our own findings is an astonishing testimony to the genius of the ancient Greeks.”

Fellow social scientists have expressed concerns over the methodology of Adam's study which has left many of those who took part feeling deeply traumatised:

Self-styled Social Justice Crusader, Alan Avinger, said: “Prior to my participation in the Breast Incitement Index Study I used the term 'progressive stack' in its proper context to describe the social mechanism that allows the voices of marginalised groups and individuals to be heard.

After watching Alice – a large-breasted, 23 year old, engineering graduate who runs her own company and already has six patents to her name – guiding a busty Ewok, clad in a bright-pink, D-cup bra, around the forest moon of Endor, I was horrified to find myself using 'progressive stack' to lasciviously describe a womyn's chest, while also expressing a strong sexual desire to be on top of it.”

Avinger reported that, upon returning to his apartment, he immediately locked his life-size cardboard standees of Star Trek: The Next Generation characters, Counselor Deanna Troi and Doctor Beverley Crusher (the on-screen mother of Wil Wheaton), in his closet before throwing the key out of the window, in order protect them from any improper sexual advances that he might visit upon them during his deranged mammary-induced 'pon farr'.

Avinger added:

Science has transformed me from a virtuous paladin of women's rights into the bestial tit-crazed monster who stands before you. I have written to both actresses and to all comic shops and Star Trek conventions in my local area urging them to take out permanent restraining orders against me.”

According to Professor Adams the study also yielded some unexpected results:

To our surprise the increase in misogyny was not exclusively confined to men. Female participants who were exposed to large breasts also began to exhibit hostility and contempt towards their own gender.”

Mary Earwood told MODE 5: “The experiment awakened the usually-dormant male side of my personality who, of course, immediately began oppressing me. In the aftermath I was horrified to find myself returning to the kitchen of my home and making myself a sandwich.

I am now suffering from PTSD and am constantly being triggered by the sight of my own breasts. The mere act of gazing down at my sizeable mammaries leaves me consumed with hatred for members of my own gender, Katie Hopkins in particular.

To atone for my rampant misogyny I have written an open letter of apology to Emmeline Pankhurst which is to be published on the Comments Are Closed section of The Guardian website.”

As debate rages over the future of large-breasted women in videogames, according to Professor Adams there is only one decisive course of action to be taken:

To save women from sexual discrimination we must eliminate those within the gender who have wilfully sought to subvert the Platonic female form by growing disproportionately large breasts.

Just as our ancient Homo sapien ancestors drove our Neanderthal cousins to extinction, so too must all those who oppose the oppression of the female gender seek to drive the scourge of busty women from videogaming.”

At the time of writing the social justice community appeared divided over the appropriate representation of breasts in the hobby. While a consensus overwhelmingly favours smaller breasts, leaked chat logs have revealed a creepy, highly vocal minority who are demanding that flat-chested eight year old girls who look a bit like their cousins are better represented by games developers.

Among the critics of the study is noted sci-fi author Joel Meer, whose Sun Harpists of Dahl trilogy is regarded as a thinly veiled satire of Adams' Utopian ideals. In a Skype conversation he told MODE 5:

My main concern is whether the arbiter of what constitutes a large-breasted woman should be a bald, russet-bearded man who resembles the kind of west country farmer who might sell flagons of rough home-made apple cider to groups of over-excited teenage boys on weekend camping trips in Dorset.”

Evolutionary biologist, Doctor Maximilian Kline points out that if Adam's recommendations were to be acted upon they might dramatically alter the development of the human race:

It is possible that women in the future will evolve smaller breasts so that they are able to continue to participate in videogaming and find a mate within the internet-based communities that crystallise around the hobby, which my teenage nephew, Michael, assures me are total online fuck fests.

If that were to be the case then heterosexual women with large chests may find themselves with limited opportunities to breed and a poor choice of potential partners, having been denied access to the pool of alpha males who, if my research is correct, can be found congregating on the secret forums belonging to the Serenity Guild in World of Warcraft.”

Despite naysayers Adam's study has been warmly welcomed by the mainstream media:

The social commentator, Penny Dreadful, who describes herself as among the most intelligent human beings ever to have walked the earth, said:

What this study proves, beyond any shadow of a doubt, is that men are constantly manhandling women's breasts with their eyes, while at the same time telling these woman to 'stop oppressing yourself'. Unfortunately this is true even of men like George Orwell and the founder of the NHS - Aneurin Bevan. I think this eloquently proves the point that I was making, whatever that point may be.”

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